There are a myriad of reasons why my libido went for a long walk and never returned. Two kids in my forties, IVF (the least sexy thing), perimenopause, then menopause, weight gain, work stress, the domestic load, having too many cats with too many ailments – a veritable smorgasbord of reasons not to feel “up for it”.
I started taking HRT in my late forties after struggling with some particularly gnarly perimenopause symptoms (insomnia, anxiety, and heart palpitations). It helped a little, but I found that when I hit 50, I was anxious and overthinking. I’d also forgotten what it felt like to have a libido. I would watch romantic Netflix shows and marvel at characters who had rampant sex.
I spoke to friends of a similar age, and they felt their libidos had disappeared, too. I only know of two couples who have a “healthy sex life”. (A quick Google search reveals “once a month” is about right for people in their fifties apparently, but it’s obviously more about what feels right for you.) Anyway, I thought it was a good idea to look into my HRT again and went to see a hormone doctor privately for a consultation.
As part of this consultation and after a blood test, I was prescribed testosterone – along with a different mix of HRT, though this prescription was issued on the NHS so didn’t prove to be super expensive – I pay for the annual HRT subscription which works out £19 annually. Women get testosterone on the NHS, but it requires specialist initiation, usually via a menopause clinic. I am paying £60 for mine and I think it’ll last at least three to four months.
Inside the UK’s youth unemployment capital
On the surface, the Birmingham suburb of Erdington seems like a typical small town, with a handful of pubs and a somewhat bustling centre complete with a Greggs and a B&M.
The nation’s Neet blackspot
- Erdington, near Birmingham, has the highest rate of young people not in education, employment or training (Neet) in the country.
- 16.2 per cent of 16- to 24-year-olds are on unemployment benefits.
- The national average is just 5.7 per cent.
What young people told us
It makes me feel worthless. I spend two or three hours a day looking for work online, and then I’ll spend another two hours going out handing CVs every day
Will Butler, 18, finished college in July
Young people overlooked
Companies don’t really want to hire young people… they want to hire the person with the most experience
Lewis McKeirnan, 18
Businesses struggling too
But small business owners in Erdington told The i Paper they could hardly afford to pay their own salaries, let alone take on a young trainee.
Kamlesh Bali, who runs a newsagent, said she and her husband work from 6am to 10pm, seven days a week, because they cannot afford to take on another member of staff. “What we take in, it’s very hard for us, and to pay a wage as well, we struggle as it is as a small shop,” she said.
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- Ministers are also expanding their nationwide Youth Guarantee, with a £2.5bn package including 300,000 new work and training placements for young people and financial incentives of up to £3,000 for employers who hire and train eligible young jobseekers.
Football’s coming home? Burnham plots UK World Cup bid
The move would bring the World Cup back to the UK for the first time since England hosted in 1966.
Burnham bids for the North
Burnham told colleagues at a Friday morning meeting at No 10 North he is planning a World Cup bid, The i Paper can reveal.
Plans are underway
He said he is already in talks with the nation’s footballing bodies about how to run the campaign.
Prioritising the North
He also wants to put on a “Northern Olympics” and bring the 2035 Ryder Cup to Bolton.
The UK has only hosted the World Cup once
It makes you wonder whether the authorities at the European and global level have something against us. The country that invented the game, you’d think we would have had a bit more of that attention
Andy Burnham told the podcast
It would ‘not be fair’ for the Olympics to be hosted in London
A coalition of Northern mayors has been pressing for a multi-city Olympic and Paralympic bid, arguing the Games should be used to rebalance the distribution of major events and investment away from London.
Burnham has said it would not be “fair or right” for London to host the Olympics for a fourth time and has backed a Northern Games as “what Britain needs right now”.
First meeting of No 10 North
The meeting in which Burnham discussed his Men’s World Cup plans was the first virtual “situation room” held through No 10 North. This is his new base for bringing Whitehall and local leaders together and was focused on giving mayors more power, expertise and resources to deliver investment in their areas.
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How to be more grateful for daily life in five easy steps
The world feels like a difficult place at the moment, and it can feel very hard sometimes to find things to be thankful for; when we are overwhelmed, we have less capacity to notice and reflect on the good things. Yet, ironically, proactively cultivating gratitude is one of the things that can actually help us feel less stressed.
NHS GP dR RADHA
The science
Research has shown that feeling or expressing thanks can actually alter our brain.
- The balance of neurotransmitters change; more serotonin and dopamine (feel good chemicals) are produced.
- This can be long lasting if we make gratitude a regular habit.
- We also get a decrease in our cortisol (stress hormone) levels which helps lower anxiety.
- Being grateful can strengthen the nerve pathways which triggers positive emotion.
How can we build gratitude?
Change your words
Instead of seeing something as a problem, try to see the opportunities within it.
Our brains are very receptive and what we read or write can alter our emotional system.
Express it
This will not only make you feel good, but you will also get a positive response from others.
How can we build gratitude?
Notice more
Throughout your day, try to notice all the things that are going well; has someone opened a door for you, or smiled?
The basics
By being thankful for the small things every day, we are far more likely to be and stay healthy so that we can enjoy them.
What to do
Gratitude can lead to feelings of optimism, lower our blood pressure, and improve sleep quality.
- Write down what potential good aspects there are to the things you don’t feel like doing, or even what could be worse about it.
- Spend a few minutes writing down three things that you are looking forward to that day, or the good things that have happened to you that day.
- Say thank you to yourself for the things you have achieved, or managed to get through and changed that day.
Sales of battery
electric vehicles hit a record high last year.
Starts at £22,995 for the smaller battery
Available with either a 40kWh battery or a larger 52kWh pack, that offers almost 255 miles, the latest, retro-inspired Renault 5 is both a joy to behold and a hoot to drive.
The interior has been lavished with a level of detail that’s typically reserved for more expensive cars.
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A champion of EV efficiency
It offers a remarkable 491 mile range on a single charge from the 85kWh battery.
It is a technological masterclass inside with the ability to option screens that span the entire width of the dashboard, including an optional display for the front passenger.
Priced from £37,400
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It’s a lot of money to part with, but this is arguably all the car you will ever need.
The £89,000 Macan is a premium SUV that somehow manages to blend Porsche’s reputation for dynamics and sporty driving with everyday practicality.
The 95kWh batteries can go from 10 to 80 per cent in as little as 21 minutes from the fastest public charging outlets.
With the business class-style six seat configuration costing a staggering £76,995, it is by far the most expensive Kia ever made, but it backs up its financial demands with a suite of genuinely useful and impressive onboard technology.
It’s fast, goes a long way between stops and charges relatively quickly but the interior is bland, the onboard technology is infuriating and the experience is devoid of emotion.
All of its gadgetry can’t disguise the fact that performance is weak, even for a typically zippy EV, the ride is fussy at slower speeds and it’s not in the least bit enjoyable to drive on a country road.
- While good value (prices start at £17,935) for the 200-mile max range, there are more interesting options from Hyundai, Citroen and Renault for similar money.
- It attempts to wow with tech, much of which hinders, rather than helps.
- There’s no tangible benefit over mounting your phone to the dash.
- Simply an average driving experience, adequate range and slow charging speeds.
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The kitchen gadgets under £25
Victorinox paring knife
It’s comfortable to hold, with a point sharp enough for scoring pastry.
ProCook cast iron pan
For unbeatable searing and heat-retention, cast iron is the top choice.
Tesco chopping board
Priced at just £22, I’ve yet to find another board that matches it for sheer value and quality.
The kitchen gadgets under £25
Pyrex jug
It is the perfect vessel for blending smooth sauces, melting butter, or warming stock. It won’t stain like plastic and the red measurements never fade.
Salter scales
“I’ve had my slim little set of Salter Disc Scales for over a decade, and I’m delighted to see they are still made to exactly the same reliable design today.”
Microplane grater
It uses photo-etched stainless steel teeth that stay razor-sharp for a decade, something the lookalike copycats simply can’t match.
Braun hand-held blender
It’s an essential for everything from making velvety soup to getting the lumps out of white sauce.
Bodum cafetiere
As well as delivering great results, cafetieres are easy to clean and there’s no ongoing filter paper costs or pod recycling to deal with.
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The kitchen gadgets under £25
Oxo peeler
What truly sets it apart is the chunky, rubberised handle that absorbs pressure and stays completely non-slip, even if your hands are wet. It is inexpensive and incredibly durable.
Falcon pie dish
Made by fusing porcelain onto heavy-gauge steel for smooth durability, it is dishwasher, freezer, hob, air-fryer and oven-safe.
The golden rules for a happy, secure relationship
Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine, author of bestselling book , explains why we behave the way we do in love.
Golden rules for happy relationships
Start with your own behaviours
The foundation of a secure, connected life is being what I call CARRP: that means being consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable. All of these qualities can be enacted in small gestures every day.
Express your needs
People need consistency and connection to feel safe. This is not, ‘You hurt my feelings by never replying to me’, it’s more ‘this is the kind of contact that helps me feel secure’.
Golden rules for happy relationships
The appendix ‘inflammation’ rule
If a relationship repeatedly inflames your nervous system, you need to disengage and deprioritise it.
Lean on community
You don’t need hundreds of friends. You need people and places that regularly remind you that you belong.
Stop blaming childhood
Humans are much more complicated than: ‘this happened to you, therefore you are doomed to be anxious’.
Reach for a
secure script
When something unsettles you in a relationship, your first reaction is not always the most accurate one.
If you’re anxious, your brain may jump very quickly to: ‘this is the beginning of the end’. If you’re avoidant, your brain may say: ‘this person wants too much from me, I need to get away’. So one very practical thing you can always do is pause and ask: ‘What would a secure person do here?’
Loneliness elsewhere
When people talk about loneliness, they often assume it means you don’t have enough people in your life. But you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if those relationships leave you feeling excluded, ignored or disconnected.
What to do
- Build a community that works for your temperament and gives you regular, reliable moments of connection.
- You can still be kind to people while not treating them as someone who belongs in your inner circle.
- Explain what you need. Sometimes people simply don’t realise how you are experiencing them.
- Check in with people: does this person actually feel that I’m reliable? Do they experience me as predictable? That’s the only way that you can start to become more secure.
Do some foods leave
you feeling hungry rather than satiated? Experts say there are…
Foods that leave you hungrier
A bowl of cereal and glass of orange juice
More refined cereals are digested quickly, and fruit juice, whilst one of your five-a-day, contains less fibre than whole fruit. This might mean you find yourself hungry again within 1-2 hours of eating this breakfast.
Swap the orange juice for a whole orange, the cereal for oats and milk or serve it with Greek yoghurt or a boiled egg. This would increase the fibre and protein content; two nutrients strongly linked with fullness.
Foods that leave you hungrier
These pastries are made primarily from refined flour and butter, and are relatively low in protein and fibre.
Toast and jam
Shop-bought packs can contain a lot of white rice, which is digested quickly, and the protein content is often modest.
Foods that leave you hungrier
Vegetable soup
On its own, it is often very low in protein and calories, so hunger can return quickly.
Unless it’s loaded with veggies, it’s probably pretty low in fibre.
Liquids are generally less filling as they require little chewing which may not trigger satiety signals.
Foods that leave you hungrier
Snack bars
They are ideal for a quick pick-me-up, but if reducing hunger is what you’re after, it’d be better to swap it out.
Low-fat yoghurt
A full-fat plain Greek yoghurt with berries and seeds tends to be much more filling due to the protein, fat and fibre.
On an empty stomach, it can actually increase your appetite.
What to eat instead
Instead of thinking about avoiding foods, think about what you can add to them.
- Add beans, lentils or shredded chicken to your vegetable soup and pasta.
- Thicken your smoothies with Greek yoghurt, chia seeds and oats.
- Apple slices with peanut butter, yogurt with berries and hummus with oat biscuits are better snack options than a pre-made snack bar.
- Have alcohol alongside a balanced meal containing protein and fibre.
How to age well
without pain
Will Harlow, a physiotherapist
for the over-50s and author of Independence for Life, shares
the key signs you’re ageing
badly – and what to do about it.
How to know
Ageing well is maintaining the ability to do what you want you want for as long as you want without needing help. Everyone is talking about longevity but what’s the point in living longer if the last decade is painful and you’re [totally] reliant on people?”
The signs to look out for
- The most obvious early warning sign of bad ageing is pain says Harlow.
- Another is losing confidence in doing daily tasks, which can quickly lead to a lack of independence.
- One call Harlow often receives is people calling after having a fall and struggling to get up.
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How to age without pain
Not just stopping
When people retire, they often put their feet up and stop. Your body really is use it or lose it.
Throughout our entire lives, Harlow says we need between seven and nine hours of sleep.
Social isolation
The lack of connection can increase the risk of premature death by
as much as 29 per cent.
Strength training
It really is the proxy for
overall independence.
The more muscle mass you have, the less chance of heart disease, diabetes, falls and even anxiety, depression and dementia.
The brain can be linked to muscle mass too, Harlow says. It’s not just about being able to lift things. It gives you more energy, better sleep and you’ll look and feel better.
How to age without pain
Daily habits
Do short bursts of exercise, between 30 and 60 seconds, in otherwise dead time during the day.
Stretch in bed
Take joints through a full range of motion for five minutes to loosen it before getting up.
Don’t crash diet
How to age without pain
Harlow advises 1.6 grams per kilogram of body weight to stop muscle loss alongside resistance training.
Don’t wait
Harlow finds that many patients put off making a change to their lifestyle until their lives are consumed by pain.
For most people, it’s about reducing the number of times per week you’re exercising, not reducing intensity.
The three ageing tests to do
- Lie completely flat on the floor and get back up to a standing position using any technique. This should take less than 10 seconds.
See how many times you can sit on the chair and stand back up again in 30 seconds. Men should be aiming for more than 14 times and women 12.
The single-leg stand, which involves standing on one leg and balancing for 10 seconds. Everyone should be able to do that and for those under 65, Harlow asks them to do it with their eyes closed.
Why might we need it? As we grow older, women’s ovaries produce less testosterone. These levels reduce further after menopause. One symptom of not having enough is that your libido dwindles. Other side effects can include losing cognitive function, depression and tiredness.
Dr Ginny Ponsford from The Women’s Hormone Clinic, the doctor I saw for my consultation, says: “Libido is complex, and there is much more to it than our hormones. Relationship difficulties, life circumstances, and other medical conditions can all have an impact. It is also important to distinguish libido from sexual arousal, which can present its own challenges for women. These factors should all be properly explored before considering testosterone replacement. It is certainly not the ‘magic bullet’ we might hope it to be.”
Some naive folks may think that having zero libido means you can be more productive, or equally that it’s not that serious. But I certainly didn’t feel great about it. I began getting Fomo of my youth (a common experience when you get older, as you tend to romanticise the past and forget how awkward and crap a lot of your previous sexual experiences were), and it impacted my relationship, too.
I started with a pea-sized amount of testosterone gel, which came in little silver sachets.
“You’ll turn into a toxic man – watch out!” a friend joked when I told her I’d started rubbing this gel into my inner thigh each morning. I imagined biceps. I imagined saying inappropriate things all the time. Morphing into a . Friends couldn’t keep a straight face when I updated them on my progress. They said I’d become a . This is insulting to men, of course, the idea you will become out of control sexually if you take testosterone.
At the same time, I was on weight-loss jab Mounjaro. Arguably these things worked together, the weight loss making me feel more like the “old me” the one I had Fomo about. Of course, the placebo effect could have come into play, too, but as the weeks passed, I definitely started to feel… friskier.
There were small signs I was interested in that world again. I noticed attractive men in the shops and in pubs. I started to feel like I was in the right frame of mind to have sex. Even this small nudge in the right direction felt big for me.
A friend of mine experienced more dramatic results, and actually stopped taking it after feeling like her libido took on a life of its own. “I went to a social at work, and tried to get off with one of my line managers,” she said. “It was completely out of character.” I questioned whether it could’ve just been too much booze, but she was adamant that it was the testosterone.
I wouldn’t have described my state as even horny, but it’s true that my playlists were changing. Coming home from a swim, I realised I’d listened to Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m on Fire” 12 times in a row. I had bought new bras; matching knickers. I’d spontaneously dance in the kitchen (in a way my daughter claimed was “so cringe”). I shaved my legs. My partner said he’d noticed I was more tactile, too. I still haven’t initiated sex – yet – but I can actually imagine it happening now (the problem being that the kids were always present and there was never an ideal time).
Female desire is complicated, though, so it’s important to consider other things that could be responsible for lack of libido. The British Menopause Society recently stated: “[Testosterone] should only be considered in women who complain of low sexual desire after a biopsychosocial approach has excluded other causes such as relationship, psychological and medication related HSDD, eg SSRIs/SNRIs.”
Ginny also identified another challenge, in terms of it not being more widely available. “Testosterone replacement for women is not currently licensed on the NHS, and there is not yet a women-specific testosterone product available through the NHS. This can create challenges around appropriate dosing and concerns about potential side effects,” she says. “Side effects can include spotty or oily skin, hair loss where we don’t want hair loss and hair growth where we don’t want hair growth! Side effects are unusual if women’s levels are kept within the female physiological range, but this means regular monitoring with blood tests.”
So at the moment I have to dose the pea-sized amount from a sachet and I worry some days that I am perhaps applying too much (and therefore might be more likely to get side effects). I haven’t had any side effects, though.
When I talked to a male friend a few days ago, he kept lapsing back into making a mockery of the whole thing, like I was starring in my own hilarious film. “You’ll be rampantly jumping on every man you meet,” he said.
It made me realise that an older woman claiming her right to feel sexy is a radical one. The expectation being that we settle into our armchairs and do crossword puzzles while listening to . Many men say they are uncomfortable looking at Madonna who still seems to be in her sexual prime. Perhaps much of that is down to ageism too? I haven’t become more predatory. I don’t fancy every man I meet. I still feel stressed and overwhelmed – I’m just a tad more lusty than I was before.