Charlene White has admitted she feels like she “failed” her father after he took his own life a year ago.

In October last year, the Loose Women panellist announced her father Denniston had died.

At the time, White said she and her family had decided to be open about his death as “hiding emotions and the true depth of our feelings – hurt, pain, shock, grief – helps no-one”.

A year on, she has now shared a post reflecting on the 12 months since her father’s death.

“In many ways I feel like I failed him, by not knowing what he was going through. I can wish for things to be different a million times, but wishing can’t turn back time,” she wrote on Instagram.

White, 46, then shared a series of slides documenting the day she found out about her father’s death – and the “worst” 12 months of her life since.

The TV presenter detailed that on the night of her father’s death, she had been out celebrating a friend’s birthday before receiving a call on her way home just before midnight informing her of her of the death.

“I jumped out of the car on the main road, unable to breathe, gasping for air, and fell to the floor,” she said.

Once arriving home, White said there was a “sea of flashing blue lights, strangers in uniform and an ambulance”.

After “running inside confused”, White was told by a police officer “the truth that couldn’t be shared on the phone” regarding the circumstances of her father’s death.

She was then tasked with breaking the news to family and friends as her brother and sister were out of the country.

“It fell on me to make the phone calls that would break the hearts of family and friends. Those who loved him, those who grew up with him, those who held their phones in stunned silence and disbelief. I had to hold it together enough to make those calls. Responsibility trumped falling apart,” she wrote.

White said that she “refused” to tell her siblings the “truth” over the phone, but then had to “break their hearts for the second time… as their world shifted and broke into a million confused pieces”.

“When both finally knew, I fell to the floor and howled. A deep almost animalistic howl. The depths of my sadness finally set free now that we all knew the truth,” she added.

She went on to write that she now faces an “almost ever present sadness in the pit of my stomach”.

“Anger, grief, confusion and sadness constantly swirl around in my hear,” she continued.

White – who is also a presenter on ITV News and Loose Women and appeared on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! in 2022 – then detailed her “all consuming grief”, which she had to try and overcome to “try and keep it together”, sharing that she once suffered a panic attack outside work.

“Tears have been frequent and often this year. It’s the not knowing why. We can ask the question into the empty space a million times, but there is no reply. There will never be an answer,” she wrote.

“So it leaves you with a weird kind of unfinished grief. In the darkness, he chose to leave us all behind. He couldn’t see the joy in what he’d built anymore.”

“Some days getting out of bed, parenting and going to work is all I can cope with. Most of my energy is spent on holding it together and not falling apart,” she said.

However she said her decision to share her journey of grief came after receiving letters, cards and messages from “other survivors left behind after suicide”.

“We chose to speak openly as we didn’t want to live like this,” she wrote, adding that in the past year four men she knows personally have taken their own lives.

“I hope that if someone reading this needs help, they talk rather than act. I hope they reach out for help, and don’t make a decision which can’t be reversed. The darkness will make you believe you’re alone, please don’t listen to it,” she added.

In the post White also thanked the police officers from Lewisham Police Station who were on shift and responded on the night of her father’s death, as well as the counselling team at the charity Suicide and Co, as well as her friends, family, partner and children.

She also wrote that the past year had also taught her “the power of love in the darkness”.

White also shared links to Suicide and Co, Samaritans, Calm and Black Minds Matter.

– Samaritans can be contacted for free, day or night, 365 days a year, on 116 123, or visit samaritans.org to find your nearest branch.