My brother’s deeply unhappy in his marriage, and I don’t blame him. My sister-in-law is controlling and sounds very hard to live with. If he goes out, she wants to know when he’ll be home and gives him a hard time if he’s late (they’ve got a young child); she doesn’t approve of lots of his friends and while she initially made an effort with us all, she now doesn’t seem to bother. Sometimes they both miss family events – and I know my brother wouldn’t skip us all getting together if it weren’t for her. My wife isn’t a fan, either, and thinks she’s entitled. I think she is trying to isolate him from his family and friends. I know they argue a lot, he always feels as if he’s in trouble and texts me about how hard work she is. 

I don’t feel I can bring up the subject of divorce with him but I don’t want him to waste his life being miserable. He’s my younger brother and I feel like I should be looking out for him. What should I do? 

This doesn’t sound like a happy relationship and I can see that your concerns for your brother are coming from a place of loyalty, love and, perhaps, wanting to protect.

I would recommend you get together and chat to your brother about his unhappiness: find out whether it’s stemming from his relationship, or if there are wider issues affecting him. Ask him when it started and if he knows any triggers. It sounds as if his family life has changed significantly recently in becoming a parent: how has this affected his relationship? Sleep deprivation, plus the additional responsibilities of becoming a parent, often have an impact on relationships. 

Are there any good parts of his relationship? It’s human nature to chat about complaints rather than the positives, but what are these? Are he and his wife working on their relationship together? Have they chatted about problems they have and are they trying to improve things? 

I suggest that you put your personal feelings about your brother’s partner to one side, briefly, because it is not you in a relationship with her. Whether she’s “entitled” or not is a conversation to have with your wife, but shouldn’t determine whether your brother continues his relationship or not.

Instead, I’d suggest that you step into his wife’s shoes for just a moment and imagine her world. You describe her as controlling, and she may well be, but it could also be pretty reasonable to ask when he thinks he might be home from a night out if they’ve got a young child. If he’s letting her know he’ll be later than predicted, that seems thoughtful behaviour on his part, too. What happens if he’s late? Does it have an impact on her, for example, meaning she is taking on night feeds? Is he drinking and has he ever been volatile after drinking? Why does she disapprove of his friends and are you also friends with them? I wonder if she knows them and whether they like her. These things may be indicative of wanting to isolate him, but they may also be very reasonable requests from a partner with a baby who is carrying a huge share of caring responsibilities. 

I’d also consider the texts your brother sends saying what “hard work” his partner is. We all need to let off steam sometimes and there’s a huge number of people who spend their time complaining about their partners, often instead of chatting to them. But I wonder whether these texts are damaging their relationship.

Is he looking to express unhappiness that he wants to change and wants your help with, or is he reinforcing that his loyalties lie with you rather than her? Does he chat to her about problems? If not, I wonder if he’s giving her much of a chance. I’m interested that he always perceives that he’s in trouble: why is this? Being honest with her about how he’s feeling is likely to have a more positive effect on his relationship than criticising her behind her back. Would you send messages complaining about your wife, and how would you feel if the same was happening to you? Is he mistrustful of their relationship?

Frequent arguing suggests something is out of balance. This can be triggered by becoming a parent, which is a monumental shift. It may be incompatibility and different values that have come to the surface now they have become parents and there is more pressure on them both; one in five marriages break up within the first year of becoming parents. It might also be that their relationship is going through a power struggle stage where there is a lot of arguing, as they realise they’re with each other, faults and all. 

When you chat to your brother, I suggest you look at the type of family your sister-in-law comes from to see if they behave differently from your family. We can often inherit a way of living if we don’t question it. Does she have such a close knit extended family? How do they all treat each other?

Sometimes, when we get into long-term relationships, our partner asks questions about our family of origin and we start questioning our own upbringing. Your brother might be seeing his childhood through a different lens. It might be that he is stepping back from your family temporarily while he re-examines his life. It might also be that he is very sleep deprived and they are in survival mode with temporarily altered priorities. I’d recommend that you chat to him about this, approaching it with love and understanding so there becomes no sense of them-and-us, her-world-and-our-world, or adds to his sense that he’s in trouble. Do you sense that his wife is, in any way, threatening your accepted extended family structure?

It sounds as if it is very rare for him to skip family get-togethers: how do you feel about this? What is the dynamic between the two of you? 

My big concern with you raising the suggestion of your brother leaving his wife is that he might see it as choosing between you and his wife. Divorce is a huge decision, often made gradually over years and needs to be an individual one. I recommend that you make sure your brother knows that you are always there if he needs him and knows how much you admire people who change their lives so they are not miserable, whether that’s changing career, moving or ending a marriage. Most importantly, show him you are a good, non-judgmental listener, so that he feels as far from isolated as possible.