I got divorced after 20 years – here’s why so many are doing the same

As my children turned 17 and 20, and I turned 53, I realised it was time to reclaim my own independence, leave my marriage and get back out there. And it seems that I am not alone. While it used to be the seven-year itch that ended marriages, a recent report indicated that 20 years now seems to be the most common crunch time with celebrities such as Colin Firth and Hugh Bonneville separating from their wives and famous couples such as Tess Daly and Vernon Kay calling it a day.

For me, it was very much a matter of pull and push factors. 

The pull factors were the age-old concerns of kids, family and plain old inertia. I wanted to give the children a stable start in life and everything I had seen or read said that this was best with two parents at home – as long as home was calm, pretty conflict-free and provided structure and security. We managed that for as long as we could through gritted teeth, repression, a heavy dose of daily gratitude and thinking about people around the world who were much worse off. Strangely war, death and poverty are quite good for prolonging a marriage. 

How to be more grateful for daily life in five easy steps

The world feels like a difficult place at the moment, and it can feel very hard sometimes to find things to be thankful for; when we are overwhelmed, we have less capacity to notice and reflect on the good things. Yet, ironically, proactively cultivating gratitude is one of the things that can actually help us feel less stressed.

NHS GP dR RADHA

The science

Research has shown that feeling or expressing thanks can actually alter our brain.

  • The balance of neurotransmitters change; more serotonin and dopamine (feel good chemicals) are produced.
  • This can be long lasting if we make gratitude a regular habit.
  • We also get a decrease in our cortisol (stress hormone) levels which helps lower anxiety.
  • Being grateful can strengthen the nerve pathways which triggers positive emotion.

How can we build gratitude?

Two adult brothers enjoy a warm embrace in a sunny park. They stand beside a decorative fence surrounded by lush greenery, showcasing a strong bond and happiness in the moment.

Change your words

Instead of seeing something as a problem, try to see the opportunities within it. 

Our brains are very receptive and what we read or write can alter our emotional system.

Caucasian mid adult patient writing a diary while recovering in the hospital ward - stock photo

Express it

This will not only make you feel good, but you will also get a positive response from others.

How can we build gratitude?

Notice more

Throughout your day, try to notice all the things that are going well; has someone opened a door for you, or smiled?

Happy woman spending leisure time with friends at sunny day. Multiracial females are talking with each other. They are wearing sports clothing.
Group of Happy Asian senior women friends shopping and having lunch at restaurant on summer holiday vacation. Healthy elderly woman enjoy outdoor lifestyle meeting and eating food together.

The basics

By being thankful for the small things every day, we are far more likely to be and stay healthy so that we can enjoy them.

What to do

Gratitude can lead to feelings of optimism, lower our blood pressure, and improve sleep quality. 

  • Write down what potential good aspects there are to the things you don’t feel like doing, or even what could be worse about it.
  • Spend a few minutes writing down three things that you are looking forward to that day, or the good things that have happened to you that day.
  • Say thank you to yourself for the things you have achieved, or managed to get through and changed that day.

Sales of battery
electric vehicles hit a record high last year.

Starts at £22,995 for the smaller battery

Available with either a 40kWh battery or a larger 52kWh pack, that offers almost 255 miles, the latest, retro-inspired Renault 5 is both a joy to behold and a hoot to drive.

The interior has been lavished with a level of detail that’s typically reserved for more expensive cars. 

4 min read

A champion of EV efficiency

It offers a remarkable 491 mile range on a single charge from the 85kWh battery.

It is a technological masterclass inside with the ability to option screens that span the entire width of the dashboard, including an optional display for the front passenger.

Priced from £37,400

2 min read

It’s a lot of money to part with, but this is arguably all the car you will ever need.

The £89,000 Macan is a premium SUV that somehow manages to blend Porsche’s reputation for dynamics and sporty driving with everyday practicality.

The 95kWh batteries can go from 10 to 80 per cent in as little as 21 minutes from the fastest public charging outlets.


With the business class-style six seat configuration costing a staggering £76,995, it is by far the most expensive Kia ever made, but it backs up its financial demands with a suite of genuinely useful and impressive onboard technology.

It’s fast, goes a long way between stops and charges relatively quickly but the interior is bland, the onboard technology is infuriating and the experience is devoid of emotion. 

All of its gadgetry can’t disguise the fact that performance is weak, even for a typically zippy EV, the ride is fussy at slower speeds and it’s not in the least bit enjoyable to drive on a country road.

  • While good value (prices start at £17,935) for the 200-mile max range, there are more interesting options from Hyundai, Citroen and Renault for similar money.
  • It attempts to wow with tech, much of which hinders, rather than helps. 
  • There’s no tangible benefit over mounting your phone to the dash.
  • Simply an average driving experience, adequate range and slow charging speeds. 

2 min read

The kitchen gadgets under £25

best kitchen gadgets

Victorinox paring knife

It’s comfortable to hold, with a point sharp enough for scoring pastry.

ProCook cast iron pan

For unbeatable searing and heat-retention, cast iron is the top choice. 

Tesco chopping board

Priced at just £22, I’ve yet to find another board that matches it for sheer value and quality.

The kitchen gadgets under £25

Pyrex jug

It is the perfect vessel for blending smooth sauces, melting butter, or warming stock. It won’t stain like plastic and the red measurements never fade.

Salter scales

“I’ve had my slim little set of Salter Disc Scales for over a decade, and I’m delighted to see they are still made to exactly the same reliable design today.”

Microplane grater

It uses photo-etched stainless steel teeth that stay razor-sharp for a decade, something the lookalike copycats simply can’t match. 

Braun hand-held blender

It’s an essential for everything from making velvety soup to getting the lumps out of white sauce. 

Bodum cafetiere

As well as delivering great results, cafetieres are easy to clean and there’s no ongoing filter paper costs or pod recycling to deal with.

5 min read

The kitchen gadgets under £25

Oxo peeler

What truly sets it apart is the chunky, rubberised handle that absorbs pressure and stays completely non-slip, even if your hands are wet. It is inexpensive and incredibly durable.

Falcon pie dish

Made by fusing porcelain onto heavy-gauge steel for smooth durability, it is dishwasher, freezer, hob, air-fryer and oven-safe. 

The golden rules for a happy, secure relationship

Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine, author of bestselling book , explains why we behave the way we do in love.

Happy woman walking with male partner in vineyard during sunset. Elderly couple are touring in field against sky. They are enjoying during weekend.

Golden rules for happy relationships

Start with your own behaviours

The foundation of a secure, connected life is being what I call CARRP: that means being consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable. All of these qualities can be enacted in small gestures every day.

Side view of affectionate happy couple sitting in the cozy cafe. - stock photo
Happy young couple spending quality time together at home

Express your needs

People need consistency and connection to feel safe. This is not, ‘You hurt my feelings by never replying to me’, it’s more ‘this is the kind of contact that helps me feel secure’.

Golden rules for happy relationships

Unhappy married couple facing away from each other in a quiet home, concept of emotional distance, loneliness in relationship and family problems - stock photo

The appendix ‘inflammation’ rule

If a relationship repeatedly inflames your nervous system, you need to disengage and deprioritise it.

Lean on community

You don’t need hundreds of friends. You need people and places that regularly remind you that you belong. 

Happy couples talking while walking embraced during spring day in a meadow.
Candid shot happiness and togetherness Asian mother supporting daughter try to standing and walking first time and positive emotion - stock photo

Stop blaming childhood

Humans are much more complicated than: ‘this happened to you, therefore you are doomed to be anxious’.

Financial problems. Worried middle-aged woman holding utility bills, managing monthly household budget, sitting on bed feeling anxious. Cost of living concept

Reach for a
secure script

When something unsettles you in a relationship, your first reaction is not always the most accurate one. 

If you’re anxious, your brain may jump very quickly to: ‘this is the beginning of the end’. If you’re avoidant, your brain may say: ‘this person wants too much from me, I need to get away’. So one very practical thing you can always do is pause and ask: ‘What would a secure person do here?’

Loneliness elsewhere

When people talk about loneliness, they often assume it means you don’t have enough people in your life. But you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if those relationships leave you feeling excluded, ignored or disconnected.

Frustrated lonely shy guy sitting apart of others teenagers - stock photo

What to do

  • Build a community that works for your temperament and gives you regular, reliable moments of connection.
  • You can still be kind to people while not treating them as someone who belongs in your inner circle. 
  • Explain what you need. Sometimes people simply don’t realise how you are experiencing them.
  • Check in with people: does this person actually feel that I’m reliable? Do they experience me as predictable? That’s the only way that you can start to become more secure.

Do some foods leave
you feeling hungry rather than satiated? Experts say there are…

Foods that leave you hungrier

A bowl of cereal and glass of orange juice

More refined cereals are digested quickly, and fruit juice, whilst one of your five-a-day, contains less fibre than whole fruit. This might mean you find yourself hungry again within 1-2 hours of eating this breakfast.

Woman eating colored breakfast cereal in front of laptop, workplace breakfast, quick healthy breakfast in office in the morning.

Swap the orange juice for a whole orange, the cereal for oats and milk or serve it with Greek yoghurt or a boiled egg. This would increase the fibre and protein content; two nutrients strongly linked with fullness.

Foods that leave you hungrier

Gail's croissant Image taken from https://gails.com/collections/breakfast/products/croissant

These pastries are made primarily from refined flour and butter, and are relatively low in protein and fibre.

Toast and jam

Toasted bread and white background
FILE PHOTO: Pufferfish sushi line is seen on a display window at a market in Shimonoseki, Japan February 7, 2020. Picture taken on February 7, 2020. REUTERS/Sakura Murakami/File Photo

Shop-bought packs can contain a lot of white rice, which is digested quickly, and the protein content is often modest.

Foods that leave you hungrier

Sarawak laksa is one of many varieties of this noodle soup (Photo: Tham Kee Chuan/Getty)

Vegetable soup

On its own, it is often very low in protein and calories, so hunger can return quickly.

Unless it’s loaded with veggies, it’s probably pretty low in fibre.

WASHINGTON, DC - AUGUST 12: Chocolate Milkshake Smoothies photographed for Food in Washington, DC on August 12, 2024 (Photo by Scott Suchman for The Washington Post via Getty Images; food styling by Lisa Cherkasky for The Washington Post via Getty Images)

Liquids are generally less filling as they require little chewing which may not trigger satiety signals.

Foods that leave you hungrier

London, convenience store, snacks and sweets. (Photo by: Jeffrey Greenberg/Education Images/Universal Images Group via Getty Images)

Snack bars

They are ideal for a quick pick-me-up, but if reducing hunger is what you’re after, it’d be better to swap it out.

Low-fat yoghurt

A full-fat plain Greek yoghurt with berries and seeds tends to be much more filling due to the protein, fat and fibre.

Which yoghurts are the best options? (Unsplash)
BANGKOK, THAILAND - OCTOBER 17: A "KT Herbalist", a Kratom cocktail made from Kratom, coffee and siamese herbs is seen at Teens of Thailand, a bar in Bangkok's Chinatown on October 17, 2021 in Bangkok, Thailand. In April 2021, the start of Thailand's third and most deadly wave of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Thai government banned the sale of alcohol in restaurants and bars, crippling the already suffering food and beverage industry. With a lack of government aid and support, some bars have shuttered their doors in hopes of reopening post-lockdown, while others shuttered their doors for good. But six months into Thailand's most recent lockdown, Niks Anuman-Rajadhon, owner of Teens of Thailand, a gin bar located in a renovated shophouse in Bangkok's Chinatown, decided that instead of waiting for the government to allow the sale of alcohol again, they would take advantage of Thailand's recent legalization of Kratom. Kratom is a locally grown herbal drug with mild opioid and stimulant effects and was reclassified from a type-5 narcotic to a legal-to-grow herb in August 2021. While Thailand prepares for a tentative reopening on November 1st, the alcohol ban and curfew are set to continue, leaving business owners questioning if the country can revive its suffering tourism industry. (Photo by Lauren DeCicca/Getty Images)

On an empty stomach, it can actually increase your appetite.

What to eat instead

Instead of thinking about avoiding foods, think about what you can add to them.

  • Add beans, lentils or shredded chicken to your vegetable soup and pasta.
  • Thicken your smoothies with Greek yoghurt, chia seeds and oats.
  • Apple slices with peanut butter, yogurt with berries and hummus with oat biscuits are better snack options than a pre-made snack bar.
  • Have alcohol alongside a balanced meal containing protein and fibre.

How to age well
without pain

Will Harlow, a physiotherapist
for the over-50s and author of Independence for Life, shares
the key signs you’re ageing
badly – and what to do about it.

How to know

Ageing well is maintaining the ability to do what you want you want for as long as you want without needing help. Everyone is talking about longevity but what’s the point in living longer if the last decade is painful and you’re [totally] reliant on people?”

The signs to look out for

Senior woman on sofa feeling and suffering from back pain. - stock photo
  • The most obvious early warning sign of bad ageing is pain says Harlow. 
  • Another is losing confidence in doing daily tasks, which can quickly lead to a lack of independence.
  • One call Harlow often receives is people calling after having a fall and struggling to get up.

4 min read

How to age without pain

Not just stopping

When people retire, they often put their feet up and stop. Your body really is use it or lose it.

Throughout our entire lives, Harlow says we need between seven and nine hours of sleep.

Tired mature woman taking a nap on the sofa in the living room
Maribel Ezcurra, 77, a retired milling machine mechanic, practices tai chi with fellow seniors in a park in the Playa neighborhood of Havana, Cuba, Wednesday, April 15, 2026. (AP Photo/Ramon Espinosa)

Social isolation

The lack of connection can increase the risk of premature death by
as much as 29 per cent.

Strength training

It really is the proxy for
overall independence.

The more muscle mass you have, the less chance of heart disease, diabetes, falls and even anxiety, depression and dementia. 

This is a photo of a senior man helping his wife lift weights. See PA Feature HEALTH Physio. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA feature HEALTH Physio. PA Photo.Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. NOTE TO EDITORS: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature HEALTH Physio.

The brain can be linked to muscle mass too, Harlow says. It’s not just about being able to lift things. It gives you more energy, better sleep and you’ll look and feel better.

How to age without pain

Daily habits

Do short bursts of exercise, between 30 and 60 seconds, in otherwise dead time during the day.

Elderly woman exercising in a public park
A mature man rouses in the early morning light, stretching as he wakes.

Stretch in bed

Take joints through a full range of motion for five minutes to loosen it before getting up.

Don’t crash diet

A woman adds up food calorie counts in her kitchen

How to age without pain

Protein shake and chocolate protein powder in a scoop, Sports nutrition.

Harlow advises 1.6 grams per kilogram of body weight to stop muscle loss alongside resistance training.

Don’t wait

Harlow finds that many patients put off making a change to their lifestyle until their lives are consumed by pain. 

Menstrual pain, woman with stomachache suffering from pms at home, endometriosis, cystitis and other diseases of the urinary system - stock photo
Close-up view of female jogger tying laces of her sport shoes before running exercise routine. Motivation, healthy lifestyle and fitness concept.

For most people, it’s about reducing the number of times per week you’re exercising, not reducing intensity. 

The three ageing tests to do

  • Lie completely flat on the floor and get back up to a standing position using any technique. This should take less than 10 seconds.

  • See how many times you can sit on the chair and stand back up again in 30 seconds. Men should be aiming for more than 14 times and women 12. 

  • The single-leg stand, which involves standing on one leg and balancing for 10 seconds. Everyone should be able to do that and for those under 65, Harlow asks them to do it with their eyes closed.

Despite the job market hiring fewer entry-level roles, employers are still looking for grads…

But you should be prepared to keep an open mind.

We’ve compiled the sectors hiring graduate roles, what degree is required, and what they pay.

Young adults in graduation gowns joyfully tossing caps into the sky, celebrating achievement and new beginnings against a clear backdrop

The degrees to choose for a career

Hiring in the UK could
finally be on the up

47%

of employers offered entry-level
positions from July.

That is up nearly 15 per cent from the same period last year.

700,000

But graduate unemployment rose to six per cent in 2025 and 700,000 jobless graduates were claiming benefits.

Finance and insurance

  • Around 42 per cent of UK finance and insurance employers say they will be open to graduate roles this summer.
  • Business loan company Portman Finance Group has taken on 50 graduates over the past four years.
A lot of thought needs to be put into transferring a DB pension to a DC pot

Portman graduates start on £36,000 for the two-year programme and the education you need to apply is a minimum “ABB” of A-levels, and a 2:1 or above university degree. But not in a specific subject.

Mature businesswoman wearing casual, commuting to work in the city of Vienna. Female commuter leaving the subway train while commuting to work

Trade and logistics

What makes it particularly rewarding is that there’s always something to learn.

Nearly half (47 per cent) of trade and logistics companies will be giving graduates a go this year.

Salaries start at £30,000 with an uncapped bonus, rising to £50,000 plus a company car as a senior account partner.

Technology and IT

More than half (52 per cent) of UK tech and IT firms are actively looking for graduates. 

Successful entry-level candidates can earn a basic salary of up to £35,000, with the opportunity to triple that within their first three years of working.

Young business woman searching for job online. Woman writing resume on laptop.

4 min read

Public sector, health
and social services 

46 per cent of public sector, health and social services organisations are also ready to take graduates, according to a survey by Manpower. 

A policeman walking away from an elderly person's home. - stock photo
  • For example, Police Now runs a graduate programme into policing. They recruit graduates from any degree field, as long as they achieve a 2:2 or above. Starting salaries range from £31,164 to £42,210 depending on location and rising each year.

Can we treat guests without blowing our budget?

According to Waitrose, a dinner party revival is underway led by younger people trying to reduce the cost of getting together.

Always have bread

People will feast on the
bread, and then need less fish/steak/expensive whatever. All small plates restaurants know this: this is why the first thing on the menu is always artisan bread and butter.

ELLA RISBRIDGER, AUTHOR OF THE KITCHEN BOOK – GOOD FOOD FOR EVERY DAY
Female Hands cutting bread. - stock photo

Use vegetables as centrepieces

Variety Fresh of organic fruits and vegetables and healthy vegan meal ingredients in reusable eco cotton bags on beige background . Zero waste shopping concept. Healthy food, clean eating, eco friendly, no plastic. Flat lay, top view - stock photo
Beautiful woman unpacks a full fabric bag with fruits and vegetables on the kitchen. - stock photo


Add pantry items

Graham’s recipes include a braised cabbage with a preserved lemon sauce, a roast cauliflower with saffron, and harrisa roast carrots with mango labneh.

How to host on a budget

Table top view of Indian food.

Improve the everyday

Guests will always appreciate a stellar interpretation of the ordinary. Think lasagna or curry.

Cooking dinner for your guests is spoiling them – you’re being generous with your time, your effort, and your home. So don’t feel the need to go overboard elsewhere.

A group of friends is toasting together during a dinner party. They are smiling, celebrating together.
Man serving friends salad at backyard dinner party - stock photo

Ask for help

Ask friends to bring a contribution, be it a nibble or a pudding.

Big platter energy

[Presentation] can be the key to elevating something . Spaghetti and tomato sauce suddenly looks like a feast when tumbled on a lovely big plate, dressed with olive oil and parmesan and placed in the middle of the table.

Food writer and editor Eleanor Steafel 

How to host on a budget

Taco party

Have one expensive filling, like shredded chicken, and two cheaper options, like refried beans, says Ella Risbridger.

Traditional ice cream parlours are still going strong (Shutterstock)
Tacos are a popular dish throughout the country (Photo: Daniela White Images/Getty)

Shop-bought ice cream is so easily zhuzhed up with the help of handy toppings, says Eleanor Steafel.

I also really liked having a large extended family with adult stepchildren and grandchildren, and we had a lot of fun with everyone round at ours for their weekend breaks. My own children were adored by their half-brothers and sisters and ever-increasing nephews and nieces, who did a great job of relieving any tension between me and my husband.

And then there was just the fear of change and things being . Other people leave their husbands because they are abusive or are alcoholics or gamblers. Mine was a good man but just not quite right for me. A First World problem and enough to make it hard to justify going.

Then, as the years went on, the push factors got louder. I often felt like I had wedged myself into a dustbin with the lid held on tightly in order to be a good mum and wife but, over time, the lid started to rattle. I needed to find my old self again, have fun and get out to make the most of whatever time I had left. I felt that I had been dutiful enough and was, perhaps, at last, allowed to be a bit selfish.

And so, we separated, and now eight years later, I believe are we all better for it. My ex and I are great friends without having to be partners, the children love us both, and as they build their own relationships, they can see what was right and wrong with ours without having to be the solution. 

But that’s my story. What about Colin, Hugh, Tess and Vernon, along with everyone else who also finds that 20 years is plenty?

As a psychologist, I think there are a number of reasons why my generation are different from those before us, which make us able to withstand the seven-year itch but not the massive scratch all those years later. We are a product of our time and that has changed how we see ourselves and what we see as a good life.

First, we are all Thatcher’s children. Like me, many others may have taken to the streets to protest against the poll tax and welfare cuts and rail against the idea of “no such thing as society”, but whatever that did to our politics, it definitely left us with a sense of power. It was a time of get-up-and-go and making the most of yourself and, while at the time that all seemed horribly individualistic, we were left feeling we could be whatever we wanted to be. So when a marriage feels done, Thatcher’s voice tells us we can be a bit selfish and put ourselves first.

Next, we are the generation of helicopter parenting. Bizarrely, while our own childhoods were a product of grazed knees, concrete play parks and a heavy dose of benign neglect, we managed, watched and organised our children through homework, clubs and play dates; determined they would be socialised, accomplished and safe. But it’s exhausting being the perfect parent, so we burned out and crashed. Just in time for them and us to leave home and start the next stage of freedom.

We are also either late boomers or young Gen X and – through the luck of the draw – have had stable careers, a flourishing housing market and now the grey pound to give us a house big enough to split and money enough to reinvent ourselves as a single person.

Then, we have a good dose of biology thrown in, and with all that yoga, swimming, non-smoking and moderate drinking together with HRT, multiple varieties of lube and over-the-counter Viagra, we know we will probably live longer and that the time we have left can be more active than it was for previous generations.

But most of all, we have a lifetime of comparing ourselves to others convincing us that we can do it differently.

By the time we decide that 20 years is plenty, most of my generation have watched their parents and their parent’s friends being stuck in a life of bickering, raised eyebrows and tutting, loneliness, or just pure misery and regret. We also have seen the creeping onset of age and illness as joints get stiffer, memories weaker and hospital visits become a regular day out. And we have realised that time flies as you age and that the gap between us and our ageing parents is nothing. So, we think: “It doesn’t have to be like that. I mustn’t waste my time.”

We also compare ourselves to our friends – and the domino effect starts. Once one couple breaks up and we hear tales of swiping right and being matched, first dates (good and bad), new fun, new love and new nakedness, then it all seems much more doable. With time, being divorced becomes the norm and those still married feel like they have been left behind.

There’s the media and the fabulous algorithms, too. Our phones know what we are looking at and make us look even more. New outfits, skincare, live bands, travel, supplements and new men (and women) – all are out there just waiting for us. The more we look, the more we see it all modelled by people who could be us, or dated by us, when we reach the other side of marriage. And now joined by Colin, Hugh, Tessa and Vernon. Maybe they could even be ours.

So, we leave. Twenty years of marriage really does feel long enough, but also short enough, to allow us to do this next stage well. A new last stage to do all the things we still have left to do, to do them properly and for as long as we are able. Because one day soon we will want to look back and think: “I made the most of it all.”

Original source I got divorced after 20 years – here’s why so many are doing the same

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