I have been married for eight years and been with my wife for 17, yet I still remember the confused “what are we” conversation we had about two or three months in. I dealt with it so badly that she thought I was trying to break up with her. I wasn’t, and nine months later we moved in together.
Millions of couples move in together before committing to marriage. In fact, there are now more than 3.5 million unmarried cohabiting couples in the UK, twice the number there was two decades ago. This rise is one of the biggest social changes of the last 30 years.
Most people know that if you marry, you have legal rights, but many wrongly believe that if you live with a partner long enough, you will become a “common law spouse”, acquiring the same rights as married couples. As a divorce lawyer of 16 years, I can assure you, currently you do not.
The consequence is that couples can spend years building a life together, making considerable financial and personal sacrifices, only to discover, when the relationship ends, that they have far fewer legal rights than they imagined.
The Government thinks that the law has fallen too far behind the way people now live their lives and wants to bring in changes. It would mean couples who cohabit may acquire some of the same legal rights as married couples after three years unless there are children involved, in which case rights would arise much sooner.
The reform may confine the “seven-year itch” to a relic of the past, with couples deciding to pre-emptively break up after two years and 364 days, rather than expose themselves to new obligations.
Updating the law to protect people might seem sensible, but who’s to say when staying over the odd night or two soon becomes de facto living together. The introduction of the spare toothbrush, the clearing of a drawer for keeping clothes, the giving of a key are all well-trodden milestones many relationships go through, but these milestones may soon become important hallmarks in determining when a cohabiting relationship and legal rights start or, importantly, in determining by when the exit ramp should be taken.
Who knows, this three-year cliff edge may cause a whole new dating scene to emerge, in a manner which may make seem tame. Serial dating and on-off three-year relationships may become the new social norm, bringing a boom for the online dating market. And what about “situationships”? These are rarely straightforward, where one party may believe themselves to be in an established relationship, and the other does not. One may unknowingly become exposed to financial claims, while the other may wrongly assume they have legal protection.
Then there are affairs. One partner may have an affair for several years, with that relationship becoming cohabitational in nature. If that relationship ends, the faithful partner may then discover that the consequence of that separation is financially significant for them as the third person may have a claim.
Other social changes may arise. Cohabitation agreements could become the unmarried couple’s prenup. Someone with substantial savings or a mortgage-free home may think twice before asking a new partner to move in, or even enter into a relationship. Couples might keep separate homes for longer.
Much will turn on what changes are actually made. What is certain is that the law governing modern relationships may soon enter a period of profound change, and until we know exactly what those changes look like, you may not want to delete that Tinder profile just yet.