Our dear friends the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been back in the UK for almost 50 days but already it seems like a century – if not two.

Did you think they were going to keep a polite and deferential low profile in respect of King and country? Oh, you poor fools.

Let’s be frank. Re-Megxit has been chaos, a family uprooting that seemed wild and capricious from the get-go.

‘For us, when certain stars align, and it’s clear that this should or probably will end up being the case, then we lean into that,’ Prince Harry blathered to GQ magazine this week, explaining why he shifted continents and moved his family back from California to the Cotswolds on what seemed to be a whim long divulged to no one, least of all his father.

Stars align? Harry sounds like a tweenie journaling his feels in a shiny pink diary and sucking the end of a glitter pen because he doesn’t know how to spell ‘genetic pain’ properly.

To date, the couple went to a pub, the Prince got booed at a rugby match, the children had to change schools, the Duchess launched a range of chocolates that cost £5 each and we all went to Nottingham for a performative charity meet and greet to keep up royal appearances.

At a foodbank in the city, Meghan was coming on strong, acting like Scarlett O’Hara handing out silk kerchiefs to her servants at Tara as she helped pack tins of food into plastic bags.

She was talking and asking a lot of questions to show her bountiful concern, it was really a beautiful moment. Are these baked beans individually wrapped? Is it easy to chunk a pineapple? I love Tesco, it’s always been my favourite opera. Please, allow me to donate a morning’s jam profits to the local Chimney Sweep Society. Here are six packets of my flower sprinkles to give to those who have nothing. When you say just put a tin in the bag and move on, what exactly do you mean?

Meanwhile, Harry gave a grief masterclass online which included a section called ‘Turn Pain Into Profit’. Sorry my mistake – ‘Turn Pain Into Purpose’. We all know that our boy has been giving the world a masterclass in grief for most of his adult life and many are heartily sick of it, particularly since mentions of his mother Diana are increasing exponentially as the 30th anniversary of her death approaches.

No one would argue that it is not a tragedy and a sadness that a boy lost his mother when he was only 12 years old.

Yet, without diminishing anyone’s sorrow, isn’t it also true to say that bereavement is survivable – and the only way through the unbearable is to bear it as best you can.

‘I’ve done different forms of therapy and I put in the work,’ Harry said this week. Good for him, even if it is a remark straight from the Kardashian playbook of luxury struggles.

For me, the worst moment so far has been the Prince’s typically peevish interview with GQ. It was very revealing, just not in the way he likely imagined.

Harry stated that he wants reconciliation with his family because life is too short, then seemed to blame someone – Prince William, Sooty, Shergar, Prince William, Scooby Doo, Simba, Prince William, take your pick – before later insisting he meant nothing of the sort.

Listen. If Harry cannot make himself clear in these interviews, he shouldn’t be doing them. There always seems to be an apology, a pushback, a sly clarification.

He revelled in presenting himself as the injured party trying to make peace with his family.

Harry also talked about his fight with the British Press and how he wants to protect journalists. This came as a shock to many of my colleagues, whom he falsely accused of gross misconduct in his recent court case against this newspaper. He and his co-claimants comprehensively lost and now face legal bills in the millions.

But instead of being embarrassed or ashamed or even apologising, Harry is incorrigible, deluded and obsessed.

He ran away from England, he is a loser in court and had few successes in America.

One of the main reasons he has returned is because – like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn – he has a need, an elitist’s desire to have his children educated at the same kind of exclusive, expensive establishments with selective admission policies which he himself attended. He may claim to hate tradition and the Establishment but, at heart, he’s just another posh drone.

Meghan, with her sprinkles and faux bonhomie, is hard enough to bear but Prince Harry is far worse. He has notions.

What Re-Megxit has proved beyond doubt is that he sees himself as a hero who is both righteous and wronged, as both crusader and victim, as a man who is above reproach and beneath the dignity of accountability.

Now I understand why Prince William always looks so haunted, how the King keeps a careful distance, why courtiers pull down the portcullis at the mention of his name.

For Harry is a one-man riot, a looter trying to smash and grab his way back into The Firm, convinced of the imperative and his self-appointed role as moral custodian and hero.

Peacemaker, Prince, pest, the great pretender.

He is just never going to stop until he gets his way.

Girls need Curie & Co as role models

Marie Curie was the first person – not just the first woman – to win two Nobel Prizes. In two different branches of science. She discovered radium and coined the word ‘radioactivity’.

Her research and work were world renowned. When she was once asked how it felt to marry a genius, she replied: ‘Go and ask my husband.’

Girls should be learning about her in science lessons – and be inspired by her example. Instead she doesn’t even get a mention on the current GCSE science curriculum – and neither does Lise Meitner, who was involved in the discovery of nuclear fission. However, 85 men do feature. Of course they do.

A report from Cambridge academics has found that girls could be put off taking science and maths A-levels because of the dearth of women and females on the syllabus.

It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to work that out. Disgraceful.

Things aren't so bad after all thanks to M&S Kathryn

Kathryn Turner is the director of product development for Marks & Spencer’s food departments. She has become a huge success online, going viral on TikTok and Instagram with more than half a million followers who enjoy her videos featuring new and improved items from the M&S food range.

I say unlikely – but her success is no surprise to those of us who are devotees of her brisk and oddly fascinating content. ‘I want to talk to you about our pasta sauces,’ Kathryn will begin, and I am gripped. 

‘Our chocolate is only ever made with cocoa butter and our Belgian range has had a massive glow up,’ is the kind of thing she will say. ‘You’ve probably noticed we’ve gone a little bit wild on grapes this year,’ she says, as the camera follows her down the M&S fruit aisle and we all nod along in happy contentment.

What is the secret of Kathryn’s success? She is a natural – who is so natural. And that is so unusual. It is delightful to watch someone nonweldable, fresh, businesslike, informative – but most importantly, someone who is not trying to be a star. Kathryn is always in her M&S barrel trousers with her lanyard stuffed in her pocket and her specs on her nose.

She is as enthusiastic about her products as she is about her job. I like her sensible jerseys, her crisp blouses, her barely brushed hair. She embodies something decent and steady about the brand and watching her makes one think, maybe things are not so bad.

‘Have you noticed we’ve started selling most of our beans in jars?’ she asked recently.

I hadn’t but felt oddly comforted by this news. Thank you, Kathryn!

Sunday Rose says it is not fair she has been labelled a ‘nepo baby’, just because she is the daughter of singer Keith Urban and actress Nicole Kidman. Yes, she became a model at 16 and made her Met Gala debut in May wearing Dior, but come on. Give a girl a break. Just like mummy and daddy did.

‘I’m very aware that I’m given opportunities that not everyone can have and I’m truly grateful to be able to take advantage of them,’ Sunday Rose said.

‘So, when I’m at work, I make sure to always give my best, never come to work with a negative attitude, no matter how tired or jet-lagged I may be and treat everyone with respect.’

No bad attitudes! She treats everyone with respect!

I’d say this 18-year-old is going to go far – if she hadn’t already got there.

Dua and Cal... two cute

Pop star Dua Lipa and actor Callum Turner are just so damn glam. I love their look! They walk out for dinner and it looks like a scene from a 1950s Italian film.

They attend the opera in New York and their very appearance is operatic in itself. The couple married this summer and to manage their demanding global careers they have a golden two-day rule – they are never apart for more than 48 hours.

Charming and romantic – but it won’t last.

When you get to my age you can never be together for more than 48 hours! Make the most of it, kids.