There are around 19.9 million families in the UK, and about two-thirds of people in the UK will become grandparents during their lifetime. Yet, although both tasks involve raising children, parenting and grandparenting are in many ways fundamentally different experiences, with the latter tending to be more time-limited, straightforward, joyful, and less stressful and demanding.
There are lots of parents who for all sorts of reasons struggled with parenthood, and may have let their children down – but they now dote on their grandchildren. So what’s it like when you feel that your parents weren’t great at parenting, but they’re excellent at grandparenting? Kellie*, a 43-year-old NHS worker from Dorset, had a difficult childhood, and never knew her mother was capable of the warmth she’s since shown her grandchildren. She tells The i Paper about her experience of reconciling these two, very different, versions of the woman who brought her up.
My mum is a brilliant grandma to my two children (five and eight). She has endless patience for them, she’ll play the same game with them a million times, do hide and seek for hours in various cupboards around our house, she gets down on the floor and pretends to be animals with them. Lots of messy crafts, and baking. She doesn’t mind when the flour goes all over her kitchen, and they drop the eggs, she just laughs and wipes it up. She is really warm and loving towards them.
Mum will come round once a week or so, or we might drop into hers and she’ll give the kids home-made biscuits and settle down with them on the settee, and they’ll tell her about school, and what they’ve been up to. It makes my heart melt to see them all cosied up like that, and I am overjoyed they get this great relationship with their gran. I love this most of the time. What a special thing it is.
But watching this is also really complicated. It’s taken me some time to get used to it, and even now I still get these painful “what the f***” moments of sadness about how she is such a loving gran to my kids, but wasn’t a very loving mum to me. I remember her being really angry with me and my two siblings a lot of the time; she was impatient and I felt like I was making her life worse a lot of the time.
UK NEWS
Mourners gather for Ann Widdecombe’s funeral
Family, friends and colleagues are gathering in Devon today to say goodbye to former Tory minister and Reform UK politician Ann Widdecombe.
What you need to know
Requiem mass
Widdecombe’s funeral service with a requiem mass is taking place at Buckfast Abbey in Devon.
Public memorial
The former MP, who died at 78, was a worshipper in the Abbey Church. A public memorial will be held later this year.
Death in July
She died in July after she was repeatedly hit over the head with a hammer at her home. Joshua Kerry, 28, has been charged with her murder.
A woman of profound faith which found expression in politics.
The former MP was unafraid to express her “unwavering convictions formed through her Roman Catholic faith”, read a statement from the abbey ahead of the funeral.
She was first elected as a Conservative MP in Kent in 1987. At the time of her death, she was a spokeswoman for Reform UK. She appeared on and .
Police probe arson at Farage home
Police continue to investigate whether the man charged with Widdecombe’s murder could be linked to an alleged firebomb attack at Nigel Farage’s home. Earlier this week, the Reform leader claimed the incident was “directly linked” to her death, and also alleged that counter-terrorism police had “made some mistakes”.
2 min read
Why you should ‘use less electricity’ during the solar eclipse
The UK’s biggest household energy supplier has asked customers to use less electricity during Wednesday’s solar eclipse.
Octopus Energy warned that solar power will “plummet” during the big event.
What you need to know
Solar eclipse on the way
More than 90 per cent of the sun will be obscured by the moon between 6.17pm and 8.06pm on Wednesday.
Protect your eyes
It’s the most the sun has been blocked above UK skies since 1999’s total eclipse.
Use less electricity
“Switch off, head outside and be in nature”, said Octopus Energy, explaining it would take the strain off the grid.
Free hour of power
- Octopus customers who use less electricity than normal for at least 30 minutes during the eclipse will get a free hour of power on Sunday.
- The eclipse falls at a “very busy time” for consumption as people make dinner, boil the kettle and watch TV.
- The UK has to “fire up extra fossil-fuel-run power stations” at busy times, which is expensive, said Octopus.
3 min read
Summer boost for solar
While the moon blocks the sun, solar generation will plummety.
Octopus said solar power generation will fall just as home energy demand spikes during the eclipse. But the renewable source has enjoyed a great summer. Last month, the UK saw the sunniest July on record.
It helped solar power to a new monthly record, providing 14.4 per cent of all electricity over the month – and a peak of 44 per cent of generation for a period on 12 July.
The Office star Lucy Davis reveals ‘incurable’ cancer diagnosis
star Lucy Davis has revealed that she has been diagnosed with “incurable” stage four breast cancer.
The 53-year-old actress is best known for playing Dawn Tinsley in the BBC sitcom.
What you need to know
- Davis said in a post that cancer has “metastasised” to her bones, and it is “too late” for chemotherapy.
- She asked her friends and family to poke fun “as much as possible” and not treat her like a “sick person”.
- Davis said she will continue working for animal rights and keep working as an actress, calling it one of the “biggest joys” of her life.
5 min read
Why Davis’s story will resonate
Commenting on Davis’s post, US star Jenna Fischer said: “Beautiful post. Love you lots. And yes to working with cancer!”
Fischer revealed in 2024 that she had been diagnosed with stage one triple-positive breast cancer, but was now “cancer-free”.
Breast Cancer Now said Davis’s story will “resonate with thousands”. The charity said it was a “powerful reminder” that more needs to be done to tackle metastatic breast cancer.
Davis played receptionist Dawn in . Her character’s slow-burn romance with Tim, played by Martin Freeman, was one of the most notable storylines in the series. Davis is also known for playing Hayley Jordan on BBC Radio 4’s and appeared in the 2004 comedy with Simon Pegg.
6 min read
Putin has a sinister new plan. We should all be worried
The last month has seen the fiercest exchange of missile attacks between Russia and Ukraine in more than four years of war.
But the fighting is in dynamic impasse, with a huge amount of killing and damage on either side with little to show for it. Russia now looks to be trying to shake that up.
What has changed?
In the past week, Vladimir Putin has urged new field commanders to get the job done to seize the whole of Donetsk by the end of the year.
Lithuania warned a few days ago intelligence services thought Russia could try to provoke allies in the region in the next few weeks. This points to a dangerous new phase of the war.
The sinister new plan
Russia is using three lines of attack to break the will of Ukraine: to bring misery, a lack of power and utilities with the onset of winter and to grind down the forces on the front line.
The new military appointments and exhortations suggest Putin intends to intensify ground attacks in Ukraine.
4 min read
What does this mean for Ukraine?
- The numbers look bleak for Ukraine going into the winter.
- The trashing of its cities, including the targeting of filling stations, aims at depriving Ukrainians of heat and comfort, and even adequate food.
- Ukraine is fighting back hard, but the next phase of the war could stretch it to breaking point.
Why you shouldn’t use your 1999 solar eclipse glasses
With a rare partial solar eclipse later today, many are casting their minds back to the last major eclipse over the UK before the turn of the century.
But experts have warned people not to re-use glasses bought for the astronomical event 27 years ago.
What you need to know
Many parts of the country will experience more than 90 per cent coverage of the Sun.
Depending on your location, it will occur between 6.15pm and 8pm. People in the south-west of England are likely to get the most coverage. For the best view, it is a good idea to head to high ground.
2 min read
When will this happen again?
There has been a last-minute rush for eclipse glasses, as many high street shops and online retailers have sold out.
The next total solar eclipse over the UK will not happen until 2090.
3 min read
5 min read
Put the old glasses away
- Only specialist glasses that are ISO 12312-1 certified should be used, experts said.
- People should only use glasses that are undamaged and no more than a decade old.
5 min read
How solo working is driving rising hours spent alone
Working from home and other solitary working habits are a bigger driver of loneliness than screen time, research suggests.
What you need to know
- The Resolution Foundation made the findings by analysing UK Time Use Survey.
- It found the average number of people doing paid work alone has nearly tripled in under a decade.
- Working from home accounted for roughly two-thirds of the rise in work done alone.
- The research found that “paid work is the biggest driver of rising time alone among working-age people”.
- Parth Pandya, researcher at the Resolution Foundation, said: “If policy makers are serious about improving young people’s wellbeing, then work needs to be part of the debate as much as screen time.”
The story in numbers
15%
Among 18 to 69-year-olds, the average proportion of people who were doing paid work alone in the standard working day increased from five per cent in 2014 up to 15 per cent in 2023.
90 minutes
The biggest change was among men aged 18-29, who spent an additional 90 minutes working alone each day.
This means they spend more than two-fifths of the hours they are awake alone.
What does this mean?
The research said: “It is more solo working, rather than screen time, that has driven the rise in reported time alone.
“Despite likely under-reporting of screen time, time alone for young people is still up. So, something else must be driving it – and the diary data points to a sharp rise in solo working.”
5 min read
Do some foods leave
you feeling hungry rather than satiated? Experts say there are…
Foods that leave you hungrier
A bowl of cereal and glass of orange juice
More refined cereals are digested quickly, and fruit juice, whilst one of your five-a-day, contains less fibre than whole fruit. This might mean you find yourself hungry again within 1-2 hours of eating this breakfast.
Swap the orange juice for a whole orange, the cereal for oats and milk or serve it with Greek yoghurt or a boiled egg. This would increase the fibre and protein content; two nutrients strongly linked with fullness.
Foods that leave you hungrier
These pastries are made primarily from refined flour and butter, and are relatively low in protein and fibre.
Toast and jam
Shop-bought packs can contain a lot of white rice, which is digested quickly, and the protein content is often modest.
Foods that leave you hungrier
Vegetable soup
On its own, it is often very low in protein and calories, so hunger can return quickly.
Unless it’s loaded with veggies, it’s probably pretty low in fibre.
Liquids are generally less filling as they require little chewing which may not trigger satiety signals.
Foods that leave you hungrier
Snack bars
They are ideal for a quick pick-me-up, but if reducing hunger is what you’re after, it’d be better to swap it out.
Low-fat yoghurt
A full-fat plain Greek yoghurt with berries and seeds tends to be much more filling due to the protein, fat and fibre.
On an empty stomach, it can actually increase your appetite.
What to eat instead
Instead of thinking about avoiding foods, think about what you can add to them.
- Add beans, lentils or shredded chicken to your vegetable soup and pasta.
- Thicken your smoothies with Greek yoghurt, chia seeds and oats.
- Apple slices with peanut butter, yogurt with berries and hummus with oat biscuits are better snack options than a pre-made snack bar.
- Have alcohol alongside a balanced meal containing protein and fibre.
How to age well
without pain
Will Harlow, a physiotherapist
for the over-50s and author of Independence for Life, shares
the key signs you’re ageing
badly – and what to do about it.
How to know
Ageing well is maintaining the ability to do what you want you want for as long as you want without needing help. Everyone is talking about longevity but what’s the point in living longer if the last decade is painful and you’re [totally] reliant on people?”
The signs to look out for
- The most obvious early warning sign of bad ageing is pain says Harlow.
- Another is losing confidence in doing daily tasks, which can quickly lead to a lack of independence.
- One call Harlow often receives is people calling after having a fall and struggling to get up.
4 min read
How to age without pain
Not just stopping
When people retire, they often put their feet up and stop. Your body really is use it or lose it.
Throughout our entire lives, Harlow says we need between seven and nine hours of sleep.
Social isolation
The lack of connection can increase the risk of premature death by
as much as 29 per cent.
Strength training
It really is the proxy for
overall independence.
The more muscle mass you have, the less chance of heart disease, diabetes, falls and even anxiety, depression and dementia.
The brain can be linked to muscle mass too, Harlow says. It’s not just about being able to lift things. It gives you more energy, better sleep and you’ll look and feel better.
How to age without pain
Daily habits
Do short bursts of exercise, between 30 and 60 seconds, in otherwise dead time during the day.
Stretch in bed
Take joints through a full range of motion for five minutes to loosen it before getting up.
Don’t crash diet
How to age without pain
Harlow advises 1.6 grams per kilogram of body weight to stop muscle loss alongside resistance training.
Don’t wait
Harlow finds that many patients put off making a change to their lifestyle until their lives are consumed by pain.
For most people, it’s about reducing the number of times per week you’re exercising, not reducing intensity.
The three ageing tests to do
- Lie completely flat on the floor and get back up to a standing position using any technique. This should take less than 10 seconds.
See how many times you can sit on the chair and stand back up again in 30 seconds. Men should be aiming for more than 14 times and women 12.
The single-leg stand, which involves standing on one leg and balancing for 10 seconds. Everyone should be able to do that and for those under 65, Harlow asks them to do it with their eyes closed.
I have a handful of nice childhood memories of being with mum, but barely any. Mum was critical of me about my looks, my weight, everything, and she guilt-tripped me lots. I didn’t like being around her, and I was often scared of her, too. You never quite knew what you were going to get, and that feeling has never totally left me – I’m always a bit on edge.
Mum smacked us sometimes, not always when we’d even done something very naughty, even. She was cold, and distant. She would lose her temper, in this rageful way. Chuck plates at the wall, smash bowls on the floor. My dad was barely around, and if he was, they would yell and scream at each other. He said things that I now understand, as an adult, were verbal abuse. She had to do everything around the house, and I don’t think he contributed much financially. I think their relationship was seriously turbulent and unhappy, and then they had three kids (why!), and the money stress on top of it.
Once I moved out, and was working and renting my own place, I rang my mum sometimes and would drop in to see her every so often, but I felt really free no longer being in her space. We didn’t really have a closeness, I felt duty towards her but not any real warmth.
When I was first pregnant, though, I remember thinking, “I already love this baby so much even though it’s not been born, how on earth could she have treated us so coldly?” Then when the baby was a couple of weeks old, and I was in this bubble of obsessive love, I felt so emotional and angry about my childhood. I didn’t understand how anyone could make their children scared of them. I wondered how I’d ever be able to allow her to be in my life, now that I was a parent myself. I was worried she’d be critical or unkind to these babies, too.
Then, as time went on, and she’d drop by, I saw how much she bonded with my baby. I didn’t want the guilt and burden of making her miserable as she aged, and so I decided to give her a chance at being a grandma. I decided to try and look forward. I think often about her own awful relationship with her parents, and the rubbish childhood she had, and the fact that she grew up in poverty, and then had no money to bring us up with either. She had barely any education, either, which I think kept her trapped.
I do judge the choices she made and sometimes I resent her a lot, but I also know that being angry with her forever and dwelling too much on the past isn’t healthy. I have a good life, a supportive and kind partner, and two amazing children. She’s definitely done me damage, but I’m day-to-day a happy person who has perspective. My mum had a tough life, and she didn’t have much support or an evolved partner – and definitely no therapy! – to help her with that.
At the same time, I can’t lie – it is honestly very, very weird to see her hug the kids and tell them she loves them. The joy she expresses when she sees them is like a different world to what I remember about my childhood. I don’t always feel relaxed with her even now, and it’s not as if we have our own really close, two-peas-in-a-pod sort of mother-and-daughter bond. I wouldn’t tell her my deepest feelings or worries, but I am glad she’s in my life and is able to give my children this grandparental relationship. I never had any relationship with her mum, because they were essentially estranged. It was all really awful and sad.
My husband thinks my mum is almost using our kids as a sort of second chance to get it right. He might be right.
In her late 50s, she remarried a nice guy (thank god) and he’s been good for her. That, combined with me having my first child, seems to have made her so much softer towards her family. She’s now in her 60s. She still has a bit of a temper, but not towards the children, and she seems to control it really well. I am shocked by how much she’s changed. I’ve heard people say their parents mellowed with age, but never imagined how someone like my mum could basically transform into a cuddly gran.
I have never worked harder at anything than making sure I give my children the nice childhood I didn’t have. I know I can’t be a perfect parent and there’ll be loads I do wrong, but I hope my kids never fear me, or feel unsafe around me. I shower them (maybe drown them!?) in love. I do think they’re happy children, and yes I get annoyed with them like any parent, but I never raise my voice unless it’s about safety, and I would never, ever smack them. So that’s something positive from all this.
My mum and I don’t discuss what she was like as a parent, but she did tell me about a year after I had my first baby, that I was a better mum than she ever was. I didn’t say much at the time but when I was alone, I burst into tears at that. I’d not had much praise from her before so this felt huge. Also, I took it as a bit of an admission that she failed us in some way… in a very roundabout way. Just her saying that really helped with the resentment I felt towards her.
Sometimes I wonder about bringing things up, but then I think of the kids. My children love her so much and they assume we get on really well. I don’t want to cause a fall out and then for it to affect them. Maybe it’s a bit repressed but I sort of need to keep a lid on it. Maybe one day I’ll tell them more about my childhood, but not until they’re older and it is less likely to colour their opinion of her. For now, I want to preserve their innocence, and to give them the chance of having this lovely time with their gran for as long as possible. Even though it does hurt me at times, it seems worth the effort.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy