In the 16th-century poem The Faerie Queene, envy is a ghoulish figure riding a ravenous wolf, sad to see the fortune of others and "wonderous glad" of their hardship. It's not a flattering depiction; better to be thankful for what we have, rather than dwell on such a bitter and self-destructive feeling, right?

Maybe not. "I think that when we don't examine our envy, that's when it leads us astray," says Dr Stacy Kim, social scientist, life coach and author of the new book Envy: Why Wanting What They Have is the Key to Getting What You Want. Kim wrote the book after seeing the way envy came up for her coaching clients and reflecting on the role it had in her own life. The book is informed by social science and philosophy research, as well as her personal and professional experiences.

To Kim, a lifelong envier who says sibling rivalry propelled her to fast-track a PhD in educational policy and leadership, envy tells you "there's something important here," Kim says. "Envy signals to us our goals," as well as "what is within our reach", as we tend to envy people similar to ourselves more so than, say, superstars.

But how to transform envy from sulky to superpower? Kim gave us some points to consider.

What kind of envy are you feeling?

Envy is "simply wanting something that someone else has", Kim says. "Everyone envies – it's normal."

Yet it comes in different forms. In 2009, Dutch researchers explored and formalized the concepts of "malicious" and "benign" envy. Malicious envy happens "when you are so focused on the person that has what you want" and you want to "take them down", like the evil queen who hoped to kill Snow White, explains Kim. Benign envy, however, is more like admiration-meets-motivation: it helps you "focus on what it is that you want", Kim says, rather than sabotage.

Jealousy, meanwhile, is a whole different ballpark. It usually involves three parties and the threat of losing a special status or relationship to another person.

How would you feel if you had what you envy?

Next comes what Kim calls "probably the most important part of the examination": looking past the thing you covet to the "intangible desire" buried deep within. It's often not so much the object you're craving but "the you think you're going to get" when you acquire or achieve it, she says. Kim's envy of people with bigger apartments, for instance, "is really not just about the apartment", but rather a desire for a calm, uncluttered home.

Once you've named the deeper desire, you can look for alternative routes to fulfill it. For Kim, that might mean spending "more time decluttering". If you have a goal that is out of reach, be creative; if you have a pang of envy watching a 20-year-old ballet dancer but you're 42 and have never taken a class, you might be interested in being able to move more confidently in your own body. An adult beginner dance course could help with that. If you envy the young, you can access the feeling of a promising new life experience by getting out of your comfort zone and trying something novel and intimidating, like visiting a new country or pursuing further study.

Have you listened to the "SIReNs"?

When a pang of envy strikes, Kim's mnemonic tool for processing it is an acronym: SIReN. Here's what it stands for:

• Similar target: "You remind yourself: 'Hey, the reason why I'm feeling this envy is because what I want is within my reach,'" she says.

• Intangible desire, as mentioned above

• Relevant comparison: Identify which specific domain – something you care about or already participate in – is relevant to your desires

• Negative emotion: How long does it last? How intense is the message it's sending? This tells us how important the feeling is.

Does the desire truly come from you – or someone else?

Humans are "social beings", Kim says, and this means we often mirror what everyone else wants – French academic René Girard called this quality mimetic desire. As a result, it's easy to fall into the trap of keeping up with the Joneses, says Kim.

With envious clients, Kim likes to use a technique from psychologist Robert Leahy that can help identify your priorities: imagine you are nothing, a perfect void. Then, one by one, add one thing back into your life. The things you reach for first signal what you value most. Note what they are – your body, your family, your work, your possessions, or something else – and the order they arise in.

In Kim's experience, the exercise often emphasizes that "deep connections with people you care about", being of service to others, and meaningful work are what people most need to be happy – not superficial wants like an expensive car or country club membership.

Can you become closer to the person you envy?

An individual you envy today might become a mentor, friend or role model tomorrow. If you know the person, Kim says, "ask some questions" about how they achieved their goals – "usually people will want to be helpful."

If that feels unsafe or they're a stranger, Kim advises "researching that person". If it's appropriate and you feel comfortable – for instance, they're an artist with a feedback form on their website – you could send them a compliment or thank you note for the work they've done that has affected you without "asking anything in return".

This might feel odd to you, and that's understandable. In Korea, Kim says, the word 부럽다 (buleobda) essentially means "I envy you," and is "an acceptable phrase to use" as an everyday conversation starter. But in the US, copping to envy might feel exposing and odd, even if honest vulnerability could spark a connection between you and another person. Try "I admire you" or "I'm really curious about how you did that," instead.

Have you tried to focus on your peers instead of those 'in front'?

Envy can come from focusing on people you perceive as being ahead of you. Kim suggests also checking, "Who's behind me? Or who's next to me?"

When a goal feels impossible, whether because of structural inequalities or just bad luck, you can "hook arms" with people in a similar situation, and look for ways to help each other make progress, she says. Alternatively, offering to collaborate with, share information with or be a mentor to people who may, in fact, admire and envy can not only boost your self-esteem, but also build useful connections and earn you the respect of your peers. When those around you succeed, "you can own some of that success too," says Kim. A zero-sum game mentality or scarcity mindset isn't typically as satisfying or useful for overcoming challenges, she notes. Solidarity can be much better.

Becoming more aware of envy doesn't mean the complicated feeling won't affect you. It may always be unsettling to feel envious of another person, and even to realize you're an object of envy to others; as Kim says from experience: "Just because you study envy doesn't mean that it goes away." And yet, to an extent, envy is normal and unavoidable. Recognizing why it shows up and how it can be harnessed for good can be a valuable skill.