You heard there’s another new football podcast? No, not the Wayne Rooney and Mark Goldbridge one, although that does sound bad. Yeah, worse. Richard Keys and Andy Gray.

I know. Apparently “they’re back”. Yeah, Qatar. Thirteen years.

Who will listen? I have no idea. Probably people who still think sexism is just banter? And those blokes who get angry when that female commentator does Match of the Day. Actually, there are more of those than you’d think. How depressing.

It’s called . Unleashed from what? No idea. The trappings of reality, perhaps.

They’ve called the first episode the “Tower Bridge Special”, which is either a nod to their supposed imprisonment or a clever Easter egg from producers about how torturous this experience might be.

So it’s time to unleash Keys and Gray and ruin my YouTube algorithm. Even before tuning in I have been fed Key’s X posts, but – hilariously – their new “Unleashed” account was temporarily suspended on Monday. At the time of writing (at 10.33am on Tuesday), the account is back and has three followers, so watch this space.

“They’re back and now they’re unleashed,” the profile says. “The boys are back in town,” says one excited commenter. So maybe some people care?

Fully aware I am pre-judging this podcast, I go in consciously challenging my premonition, but it gets off to a shaky start. The opening minute is an assault on the senses, the intro music too loud over snippets of their banter.

“We’re not going to get this chance anywhere else, so we should create it for ourselves,” Keys says. “It will, I’m sure in some quarters, be not so well received.”

Acknowledging a podcast is the only opportunity to feed your ego is some start, but it shows some self-awareness; however, it quickly becomes evident that this is just “The Keys Show”.

His anecdotes lack endings and serve only to namedrop or tease. His first story is about lunch on a boat with Joe Lewis, the former Tottenham Hotspur owner, but goes nowhere, and it’s then time for champagne when abruptly switching to Qatar.

Keys reminds Gray they bumped into Ned Kelly (Manchester United’s former head of security) in a bar nearby, and does a Ricky Gervais look to camera when saying, “There’s a story there” for the second time already.

He does not elaborate, but moves on again to explain that he does not want to waste the “best years of what’s left” by not living with his wife – “around whom there are numerous stories” (pauses, looks to camera) – before rambling about “legacy media” and how much journalism has changed. He then namedrops Eamonn Holmes, for some reason.

Gray calling Qatar, the bubble they lived in there, a “transient society” was at least an astute point, but Keys’ insistence on dominating this “conversation” verges on ignorant.

He switches subjects again and briefly gets into his brushes with the Redknapps – “Harry tried to have us put in jail… He’s as selfish as his son [Jamie], who I spent 18 months driving around the country… I do hold that grudge… It was an extraordinary scenario” – but already typical of this podcast, Keys adds, “That’s for another time”.

He is certainly aware where there might be a story, saving his best for future episodes, and admittedly their most frank discussion is, rather belatedly, about the World Cup. “It was rotten,” says Keys. “And then [Gianni] Infantino went and exposed himself for exactly what he is when he tried to sell football… He drips insincerity.”

Fair enough, but they then tease a story about the awarding of the Qatar World Cup, tease a story about how Infantino might go – “he’s toast,” says Keys – and then talk about hydration breaks a couple of months too late, which segues into a chat about how they transformed the game while at Sky.

Keys is the guy you get cornered by at the after-party, and by the point he suggests Arsenal will “piss” the Premier League, I just don’t care. I’m too busy searching for the exit, pondering a one-way flight to Qatar myself, and wondering who will listen to the future episodes that might actually finish these tales. Not me.

By the time I’m done, their account is up to eight followers on X. It will reach the thousands eventually I’m sure, but with football podcasts at a fascinating juncture with Disney and Netflix entering the market, this fight for ears is a battle Keys and Gray will surely lose.

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They’ve got to contend with Gary Lineker, Micah Richards, Alan Shearer, Gary Neville, Ian Wright, Jamie Carragher, Roy Keane, Jill Scott, Rio Ferdinand, Peter Crouch, Ben Foster, the Football Weekly lot, the Athletic lot, the Ramble lot and the Totally Football lot, for starters. But in keeping with the theme of this review, do Keys and Gray care themselves?

Provided Keys has a microphone in front of him and continues to have a misguided sense of worth, the answer is not one jot.

Okay, now they’re up to 10 followers.