‘Here they go, coming after us little people again!’

I yelled this out loud looking at my screen, reading the news that the Conservatives have a plan to prevent long-term claimants like me from spending benefits on ciggies, booze and gambling.

Under the party’s proposals, anyone who has been unemployed for more than six months would have their Universal Credit cut by 30%, and then be paid onto a ‘Back to Work’ card – which would block you from getting out cash or spending on these items.

They estimate this would save around £538m a year.

But if this announcement is an attempt to get people back to work – insinuating that being on benefits is a choice, I’m living proof that’s far from the truth. 

I care 35 hours a week for Paul, my fiance, who uses a wheelchair full-time. I also need to look after myself as I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which can include symptoms of psychosis.

And I’m a drinker, a chain smoker and in the past I’ve enjoyed the odd dopamine hit from a bet.

I get disability benefits as I live with and have learned to manage my condition – schizoaffective means I have symptoms of schizophrenia and a mood disorder such as bipolar disorder or depression.

The main symptom I’ve had is psychosis, which means I lose touch with reality – for example, I get delusions and feel like Britain’s most wanted criminal. I believe the police are spying on me in my home, and that the world wants me dead. 

One time I even thought everyone could fly and was keeping it a secret from me. It sounds bizarre, but it is terrifying to live with these beliefs and in the past, they’ve led to suicide attempts.

The first decade living with psychosis was spent paying taxes in full-time work, struggling to find time to manage my illness, relapsing, then getting fired or resigning. The whole process took around six months at a time  – then, rinse and repeat.

And then I got financial assistance in the form of benefits, which has made my life so much easier today, with fewer relapses.

For this last decade, however, I’ve only taken on part-time work – roughly 16 hours per week – and have seen a marked improvement in the number of relapses I have.

However, I’m often tired. I go to bed at 6pm and wake at 6am feeling exhausted – if I started working full-time I doubt I’d do anything else other than sleep.

But working part-time doesn’t fully cover rent and bills, so benefits are necessary for staying afloat both mentally and financially.

I’ve been very lucky to put in successful claims for Universal Credit and PIP – a disability benefit you can claim both working and not working. These benefits total £1,100 a month and include £338 to cover my rent. Thanks to this, I’m often able to afford small luxuries that help me feel good. 

It’s a lazy assumption to make that just because my main income is disability benefits, I have to be poor. I live within my means (about £16K a year in total).

I’ve always been good with money since I worked full-time but didn’t earn much (my first job in London paid just £11,500). Over the years, I’ve learned to pay off my debts and keep track of my finances.

Of course, not everyone claiming benefits will have a healthy bank balance like me. Many aren’t able to work at all, or have children.

I live in a part-owned council bungalow and was able to buy my share from money saved while working and on selling the previous properties I lived in. So my rent gets paid and it doesn’t take up too much of my Universal Credit – especially since rent in my area is so cheap.

Those luxuries – designer perfumes, weekend breaks, nice clothes – all help promote my wellbeing. It feels nice to look and smell good, have occasional meals out, and trips away.

It’s a nice treat, given the struggles I experience with my mental illness – especially when managing this with monthly hospital appointments and daily sedative medications.

I understand workers often struggle to meet bills with so much tax taken from wages, but I still pay VAT on every item I’ve ever bought. 

My benefits lifestyle has cost me friendships from people who would rather not be associated with a benefits claimant. Ex-boyfriends have called me a ‘loser’. 

I do understand, I worked once and used to feel exactly the same. It angered me when I met people on benefits. I remember working long hours, on top of a long commute, as a radio script writer – when I’d return home tired, the out-of-work neighbours were up all night raving.

But when my schizoaffective led me to hospital after a suicide attempt, I knew I couldn’t work again at the cost of my health – I wouldn’t put friends and family through that again.

Popping outside for a fag gives me a little respite after hauling my fiancé Paul’s 70kg wheelchair into the boot of the car, something I do daily by myself. After my caring duties and taking care of our home, I enjoy treating myself, and cigarettes and alcohol are my rewards of choice.

The results of these proposed plans by the Tories aren’t going to cure my psychosis or magically make Paul walk again. 

And brandishing us as criminals creates further divisions, and continues to spread misinformation about people with disabilities, or those on benefits.

Disabled people like me, who receive benefits, are no less deserving of nice things than anyone else. 

A version of this article was originally published on October 28, 2023.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

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