All around the world, mums are carrying the mental load: the organising, planning and anticipating that keeps family life running. My wife attempted to convey her dissatisfaction with this arrangement through the medium of loud sighing, rage-tidying, stomping around the house and occasionally hissing, “why do I have to do ?” while I stood there loading the washing machine, feeling pretty baffled.
Eventually, I went off and read some books about parenting and motherhood, and worked out what all the sighing and stomping was about. For some men, this passive-aggressive (sometimes just flat-out aggressive) technique eventually breaks through, but it can be a long and painful road for both of you.
As a couples coach who works exclusively with parents, the question I get asked more than any other is: “How do I tell my partner that I’m carrying more than him without him getting defensive and shutting down?”
How quickly triple lock could end – and possible replacement
The future of the triple lock has been thrown into question after reports Andy Burnham is being told to scrap the scheme to fund his social care plans.
Experts say that at some point, the policy will have to be replaced with a way of increasing the state pension that is “more sustainable”.
A ‘double lock’
- A double lock linked to either earnings growth or inflation has been suggested as a possible alternative.
- Tom Selby, director of public policy at AJ Bell, said the starting point for this would determine what a “reasonable value” for the state pension should be, most likely as a percentage of median earnings.
- After deciding that figure, Selby said, you put in place “a sensible plan to reach that level”.
Link to earnings
Maike Currie, vice president of personal finance at PensionBee, said the simplest replacement would be an earnings-only link. This would mean the state pension broadly maintains its value relative to working people’s incomes.
But the Institute for Fiscal Studies has previously recommended introducing the ‘smoothed’ earnings link, which means pensioners receive inflation protection if inflation exceeds earnings.
Simple link to inflation
- Former pensions minister, Steve Webb, said another approach could link the state pension to inflation.
- This approach would create “big savings”, he said.
- But it would also substantially weaken the state pension at a time when millions of retirees are coming up to state pension age with very modest private savings.
2 min read
Who will be the most affected?
Currie said the triple lock being scrapped would impact people of all ages.
“For someone close to retirement, scrapping it could have a more immediate impact on their expected income,” she said.
As for younger generations, “the effect could potentially be greater over the long term, as smaller annual increases compound over decades”.
3 min read
3 min read
How AI could help screen for type 2 diabetes
Artificial intelligence (AI) technology could be used to analyse speech to screen people for the disease, a study suggests.
What you need to know
- The tool was trained using more than 63,000 voice samples from more than 21,000 people in the UK and US.
- It was trained to detect changes in speech which have been linked to type 2 diabetes, such as increased hoarseness and an inability to control breath.
- The study found that the speech model gave a higher risk score to those who reported having type 2 diabetes 80 per cent of the time.
5 min read
How effective is it?
Giedre Cepukaityte, research scientist at tech company thymia, said the technology “opens a new route to screening for diabetes”. But she emphasised it is “not a replacement for a blood test”.
The technology performed well across different ages and genders, but its performance was lower on black patients.
It also wasn’t as effective with recordings from people with heart disease, high blood pressure or obesity.
2 min read
AI gets a cautious welcome
Dr Lucy Chambers, head of research impact and communications at Diabetes UK, said: “AI-based technologies could help identify more people who may benefit from diagnostic blood tests, but it’s crucial that they are rigorously designed and tested to make sure no-one slips through the net.”
5 min read
More than half of international students are influenced by British fictional characters when deciding to study at universities here.
2,500 UK-based students from the US, China, India, Pakistan and Nigeria were surveyed for the British Council.
What are the key findings?
- It found that 83 per cent of international students said British culture was an important reason why they decided to study here.
- 59 per cent said fictional British characters were a draw, with 19 per cent citing Peppa Pig and 21 per cent Mr Bean as examples.
- British cultural icons like Princess Diana and David Beckham were also a major influence.
2 min read
Importance of soft power
A majority (62 per cent) of respondents said the UK music scene had been a major or strong influence on their decision to study here.
Among those who cited music, Ed Sheeran was the top named artist with 18 per cent, followed by Dua Lipa, Coldplay and Harry Styles.
What does this mean?
Catriona McCarthy, the British Council’s interim director for education, said the results tell us it is “crucial” that Britain remains “culturally vibrant” in order to retain its status as a global leader in higher education and attract the best students from around the world.
3 min read
Putin’s drone threat to France should be a wake-up call
Russian affairs commentator
Russia has a wide range of choices if it continues stepping up its campaign against Europe.
It could develop its more furtive programme of attacks targeting countries including France, Italy and Britain with actions that are akin to low-grade state terrorism.
The shadow fleet threat
Spanish newspaper described Russian plans to mount attack drones in containers on its shadow fleet, to launch them against France, Spain and Italy.
The plot was disclosed following what’s been widely described as a warning to those countries from the CIA, although both France and Italy denied receiving any specific warning from the US.
4 min read
The weakest parts
- This month, Emmanuel Macron called leaders into the country’s crisis centre for a briefing on Russian threats.
- Many previously imagined that lying at the far end of Europe from Russia, France was not in immediate danger.
- But that overlooked Russia’s long-term investment in delivering damage at enormous distances through cyber and proxy attacks.
- That means Putin can strike not just at those parts of Nato that it can drive to, but at the weakest parts of the alliance.
Putin’s grey war
- A Russian “attack” can mean everything from a full-blown invasion of a Nato country, to what is already happening, like sponsoring more and bigger proxy and cyber attacks far behind the front lines.
Denmark’s Defence Intelligence Service has said there are no signs Russia is preparing for an “invasion” of another neighbour, but that the risk of some other form of military attack is “low but growing”.
Sunday morning’s arrests in a small village near RAF Fairford, with the involvement of counter-terrorism police, show the threat of hostile action in the UK is real.
Angela Scanlon takes over Sara Cox’s Radio 2 drivetime slot
Angela Scanlon will take over the 4pm to 7pm slot on BBC Radio 2 every weekday from November.
Scanlon emerged victorious from a raft of presenters who covered the show over the summer, and will replace DJ Sara Cox.
What you need to know
Since Cox took up the mantle of BBC Radio 2’s breakfast show, the drivetime slot has been up for grabs.
Scanlon, who has previously hosted a Sunday morning programme on the station, has been appointed her successor.
She is also known for presenting The One Show, This Morning, the Get a Grip podcast and for starring in cing in 2023.
‘Every weekday, I’ll be in your ears’
Scanlon said it was “properly exciting” to host the show, adding: “Every weekday, I’ll be in your ears, your cars and your kitchens – on the school run, on the way home, or standing at the hob wondering what on earth to feed a small but hungry mob.”
BBC Radio 2 controller Helen Thomas said she was chosen because she is “incredibly warm and quick witted”.
4 min read
The northern pub chain offering £3 pints in London
Amber Taverns is adding a boozer in Bromley, a southeastern suburb of London, to its repertoire of 175 pubs, mainly based in the North West and North East of England.
It comes as pubs get increasingly expensive in the capital, where almost two pubs are closing every day.
Bromley’s new local
The Blackpool-based chain pours pints as cheap as £2.50 – a stark difference for Londoners accustomed to an average £6.50 per pint.
It keeps costs down by buying “unloved” former pubs and sticking to the basics. No hot food means no kitchen and no extra costs.
The Saving Grace will open on the former site of the Barrel and Horn on Bromley High Street.
It follows a spate of new openings in the south of England, including The Erasmus Wolfe in Gosport, Hampshire.
The future of pubs
James Baer, chairman of Amber Taverns, said: “People do still want to very much go to the pub, it’s just a matter of offering good value and a warm welcome. Amber remains a testament to the validity of thriving community pubs.”
He added he thinks there will be more opportunity for the chain to expand in the south of England in the future.
4 min read
7 min read
How to be more grateful for daily life in five easy steps
The world feels like a difficult place at the moment, and it can feel very hard sometimes to find things to be thankful for; when we are overwhelmed, we have less capacity to notice and reflect on the good things. Yet, ironically, proactively cultivating gratitude is one of the things that can actually help us feel less stressed.
NHS GP dR RADHA
The science
Research has shown that feeling or expressing thanks can actually alter our brain.
- The balance of neurotransmitters change; more serotonin and dopamine (feel good chemicals) are produced.
- This can be long lasting if we make gratitude a regular habit.
- We also get a decrease in our cortisol (stress hormone) levels which helps lower anxiety.
- Being grateful can strengthen the nerve pathways which triggers positive emotion.
How can we build gratitude?
Change your words
Instead of seeing something as a problem, try to see the opportunities within it.
Our brains are very receptive and what we read or write can alter our emotional system.
Express it
This will not only make you feel good, but you will also get a positive response from others.
How can we build gratitude?
Notice more
Throughout your day, try to notice all the things that are going well; has someone opened a door for you, or smiled?
The basics
By being thankful for the small things every day, we are far more likely to be and stay healthy so that we can enjoy them.
What to do
Gratitude can lead to feelings of optimism, lower our blood pressure, and improve sleep quality.
- Write down what potential good aspects there are to the things you don’t feel like doing, or even what could be worse about it.
- Spend a few minutes writing down three things that you are looking forward to that day, or the good things that have happened to you that day.
- Say thank you to yourself for the things you have achieved, or managed to get through and changed that day.
Sales of battery
electric vehicles hit a record high last year.
Starts at £22,995 for the smaller battery
Available with either a 40kWh battery or a larger 52kWh pack, that offers almost 255 miles, the latest, retro-inspired Renault 5 is both a joy to behold and a hoot to drive.
The interior has been lavished with a level of detail that’s typically reserved for more expensive cars.
4 min read
A champion of EV efficiency
It offers a remarkable 491 mile range on a single charge from the 85kWh battery.
It is a technological masterclass inside with the ability to option screens that span the entire width of the dashboard, including an optional display for the front passenger.
Priced from £37,400
2 min read
It’s a lot of money to part with, but this is arguably all the car you will ever need.
The £89,000 Macan is a premium SUV that somehow manages to blend Porsche’s reputation for dynamics and sporty driving with everyday practicality.
The 95kWh batteries can go from 10 to 80 per cent in as little as 21 minutes from the fastest public charging outlets.
With the business class-style six seat configuration costing a staggering £76,995, it is by far the most expensive Kia ever made, but it backs up its financial demands with a suite of genuinely useful and impressive onboard technology.
It’s fast, goes a long way between stops and charges relatively quickly but the interior is bland, the onboard technology is infuriating and the experience is devoid of emotion.
All of its gadgetry can’t disguise the fact that performance is weak, even for a typically zippy EV, the ride is fussy at slower speeds and it’s not in the least bit enjoyable to drive on a country road.
- While good value (prices start at £17,935) for the 200-mile max range, there are more interesting options from Hyundai, Citroen and Renault for similar money.
- It attempts to wow with tech, much of which hinders, rather than helps.
- There’s no tangible benefit over mounting your phone to the dash.
- Simply an average driving experience, adequate range and slow charging speeds.
2 min read
It’s a great question, because defensiveness kills these conversations. She tries to explain how overwhelmed she feels. He hears an accusation that he’s lazy or a bad father. He immediately starts listing all the things he does. This minimises the invisible work that she is doing. She feels even more unseen and unheard than she did before, and the only option available to her is to say it again, but louder. And round and round and round we go.
There is, of course, an uncomfortable issue here. Why, when mums are already carrying the bulk of this work, should they have to do the emotional labour to make the conversation comfortable for men? The only answer I have is functional, not moral.
You shouldn’t have to persuade your partner that an unfair situation is unfair. But if what you want is for that situation to change, I’ve learnt from my own marriage and from working with couples that there are ways of having this conversation that make it much more likely you’ll get somewhere.
1. Timing is everything
These conversations almost always happen at the worst possible moment. Morning rush. The forms for the school trip haven’t been signed. One child has just remembered it’s Geography Week and he has to go to school dressed as his favourite mountain. Nobody has told the school that the other one has a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. Mum finally explodes: “Why do I have to think of EVERYTHING?”
Dad, who is desperately trying to force a child into shoes, just thinks: “What the hell are you talking about?” When we’re at capacity, all the things we know about good communication go out the window.
You cannot have this conversation in the moment. Book it in. For some couples I work with, introducing a weekly meeting where they look at what’s happening over the next week or month, what needs doing and who is going to be responsible for what is one of the most relationship-changing things they do. My wife and I now do a weekly forward planning meeting every week.
If your partner is resistant to this, promise that this will result in some of the conversations you have in the week not being about admin. For me, there was a period where it felt like my wife didn’t even say hello to me anymore. She’d walk into the room and say: “Have you booked that thing?” “Can you remember to call them?” “We need to sort out Saturday.” I hated it. She hated having to do it.
When you give admin somewhere specific to live, it doesn’t have to permeate every interaction. You can get some levity and love back into your chat. This is a very appealing carrot to men.
2. Tell him what you’re NOT saying
Imagine your partner sat you down tonight and said: “I want to talk about the way we’re running the home.” Even if he chose his words carefully, would a tiny part of you hear: He’s saying I’m a bad mum?For dads, the equivalent is: She’s saying I’m lazy. She thinks I’m a bad father. She thinks I don’t care about my family.
The easiest way around this is to explicitly address this fear. Start by saying things like: “I think you’re a great dad” or “I can see how much you’re doing.”
Then, tell him what the conversation actually is about. “But the way we’re running our home at the moment isn’t working for me. I feel like we’re always on the back foot and I can’t switch my brain off. I want us to work out what we could do differently. Can you help me find some solutions?” You’re not massaging his ego; you’re removing an accusation you weren’t trying to make in the first place.
3. Be specific about what you want
The second reason we get defensive is that we feel at capacity too. So, when you come at us with “I’m doing everything, this isn’t fair,” what we hear is that now you want us to do everything, and that won’t be fair either. That usually isn’t what you mean at all.
Lots of the mums I speak to say their real problem is that the work they do is invisible, and they want it noticed and appreciated. If that’s true for you, say so. If what you want is for your partner to be in charge of more, don’t just ask for “more”. Start with one specific thing. Could he be in charge of the kids’ bedtimes? Could he own breakfast on the days he doesn’t have to be at work early?
I get it: this is more work for mums. We’re all very good at feeling an injustice, and much less good at working out exactly what we want to change. But doing that bit of extra thinking will make this conversation go so much better.
4. Make the system the problem, not your partner
You’ve both walked into a dynamic that neither one of you chose. You haven’t consciously made any decisions about this stuff. You’ve just ended up in the same place as every other heterosexual couple after they have kids: Mum becomes the default manager of the home.
Once you understand that, it’s much harder to see it as a character flaw in your partner. The more you can internalise that, the less blame will come through in your words and your tone. You’re there to solve a problem together, not to punish someone for their wrongdoing.
5. Life on the other side
Here’s the irony. Life on the other side of our male defensiveness about this issue is so much better, and not just because our relationships improve.
Men hate being told what to do all the time. It sucks. But this is the nag paradox: we put mums in the management position and then complain when they manage us. Of course they tell us what to do. We’ve made them the boss.
The truth is, we’d much rather be a co-pilot than a passenger. Sharing the responsibility, not just the tasks, is great for our mental health because we feel happier and more in control. It’s great for our relationships with our kids, because we are less stressed. And it means we get to stop being the guy who’s constantly waiting for instructions.
So, whichever side of this conversation you’re on, it’s worth spending some energy working out how to have it well.