I used to kick guys out of bed after any sexual encounters. But with Felix it was totally different from the start

Felix and I have separate caring responsibilities. I look after my adult son, who has disabilities, and Felix is his elderly mother's full-time carer. We live in separate suburbs of the same city, and see each other three set evenings a week. We often feel stressed and preoccupied, and so we have a rule: for the first hour, we do a shared trauma dump, where we talk about the sad feelings weighing on our minds.

We have sex once a week because it's the only time we are alone at mine without the people we care for. Felix tends to initiate more than I do because in the last year menopause has really dampened my sex drive. I worry about him feeling rejected. His love language is touch and I want to be able to give him that – so I hold his balls as we go to sleep, which makes him feel comforted.

When we met at a house party three years ago, we had an instant connection. Felix is covered in tattoos, with lots of earrings and a mohawk. He gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. After that, I was on a trip for 10 days and kept thinking about that kiss. We spent that time texting and covered so much ground that by the first date, I felt I already knew him really well. He confided in me that he was creating a science fiction pornographic comic strip based on his own fantasies – in a universe where women dominate men – and invited me into his sexual desires.

I used to be quite cynical about sex. It was an itch I needed to scratch. I don't find that intimacy comes very naturally to me. I hated sharing a bed and used to kick guys out after any sexual encounters. But with Felix it was totally different from the start. Our first sexual encounter was slow, intimate and caring. He really dissolved my boundaries. Unlike previous guys, I find him worth sharing a bed with, even if he disturbs my sleep. He's always called me Lil Betzy – as though I am a rapper – which is hilarious, because I'm a middle-aged woman. I think of him as a gentle part of my life I can cosy into.

Betsy seemed genuinely interested in what excited me, so I felt safe to share it for the first time

I met Betsy at a party and we spoke all night about culture and philosophy. Although it was a meeting of minds, I do recall she had cute little red shoes on and was very busty – I wasn't too highfalutin to notice those aspects. We texted for a while because she went away and I found myself opening up to her, sharing things I would have never told other folks. For six years, I had been secretly creating a sexy comic strip based in a fantasy world where women dominate men. Betsy seemed genuinely interested in what excited me, so I felt safe to share it for the first time.

We have sex once a week on a set day. I live with my ageing mother and so when Betsy is here, we don't have sex. We also don't have sex at hers when her son is there, which leaves the one day a week I am at Betsy's and her son is with his father. I think it works best for us to be intimate when we are completely alone, as it frees up space in our minds to just be together. In our sex life, we like to relinquish control to one another. I think that is because in our separate lives we both have to be responsible and make the decisions all the time.

Some of my favourite times have been when we were fooling around on the sofa and it evolved into something more. Those moments are harder to come by nowadays because of our caring responsibilities, which is a little sad. The other factor is that my sex drive is now higher than hers, because she's going through menopause. I try to spend more time on slow foreplay to get her in the mood. Even if we don't have sex, we've found if we kiss, cuddle or hold hands, I don't feel as rejected by our mismatched libidos.

Betsy is not naturally a cuddly person. I know she used to kick other blokes out the bed, and I feel pretty special that she lets me stay over. I think of our time together as very important and never enough.

Names have been changed