The prosecution: Ayo

I haven't got time to listen to 10-minute messages. I'd much prefer a simple text or phone call

I'm a simple man and I value direct communication. But I'm not a big texter and I find voice notes hard work. My family and friends know that if you want to reach me, you can pick up the phone and call as I nearly always answer.

My girlfriend Elena is the opposite. She's super chatty and she loves texting and leaving a lot of voice notes. Sometimes she sends voice notes to ask a quick question that could be a text, like "What's for dinner later? Shall I pick something up?" Or to check in when we've spent time apart. It's cute, but also a bit annoying as I would nearly always rather have a call.

Sometimes Elena infers a lot of meaning from texts in a way that isn't healthy. I've had to talk her down off a ledge after she's read something into messages from friends that she thinks are mean or horrible. She will see a full stop or a lack of emojis and say: "They hate me. What have I done wrong?"

If I'm blunt with her in a text, she will think I'm mad at her. I'm just a bit less smiley on text and don't want to send voice notes. I also don't have time for analysing messages or to listen to a 10-minute voice note.

Elena's longest voice note to me was 12 minutes. I just find they require so much more brain power than a phone call, where you can receive and process information in real time. By the time I've finished listening to one, I sometimes can't remember what was said at the start, especially because Elena's are quite rambling. If I'm on a work trip, I can't store any more info in my brain and I sometimes forget to reply. Elena will bring it up later and ask me what happened. But by that time, I simply can't recall.

One time she got really annoyed when I sent a heart in response to her voice note. But I was on the move and sent a message back asking for a call two days later. We've been together a year and I think we are on different pages with phone communication, but in real life we get on well. I just hate voice notes.

The defence: Elena

He's often away, so I think voice notes are a nice way to give a window into the life you're leading

Ayo calls himself a simple man, but sometimes I think that's code for a "bad communicator". The funny thing is that he's great in person. He's funny and a good listener, and even though he's more introverted than me, our communication is great. The problem is his manner on the phone.

I love a voice note and a nice message. I will ask Ayo how his day is via voice note or text, and I make the effort to sound bright and enthusiastic. He will respond with a text, like "Fine thanks, you?" Or he'll just ignore my voice note entirely.

We don't live together and he travels for work often, so I think voice notes are a nice way to give a window into the life you're leading. I'd send one while I'm walking somewhere, or cooking dinner or getting ready, and I like hearing someone's tone of voice. A phone call requires both people to be free at exactly the same time, whereas a voice note can be listened to at your leisure.

Ayo makes it sound as if I'm sitting around analysing every full stop he sends me. I'm not, but he can be incredibly blunt over text and then act surprised when I wonder whether he's annoyed. Apparently, after just a year, I'm supposed to be fine with his texting style. But I'm not – so if he could change, it would improve our relationship.

I'm not asking him to send long voice notes like me, but it would help if he didn't reply to an eight-minute chat with one line. He'll reply to the first thing I've said and completely miss something important two minutes later, or call me instead when I'm busy and then complain that I don't pick up.

I'm not asking Ayo to start producing 40-minute podcasts every morning. Most of my voice notes are a few minutes long. The 12-minute one was never replicated because he ignored it. But if your girlfriend wants to tell you about her day, putting your headphones in for five minutes really shouldn't be that much of an ordeal.
Names have been changed

The jury of Guardian readers

Voice note etiquette is a sacred practice in 2026 and it's perfectly acceptable to leave fun, low-stakes voice notes for friends. But Elena needs to respect that that's not Ayo's preferred mode of communication and save the mini podcasts for her pals.

A 12-minute voice note is an act of emotional terrorism! And two days of not replying is bad form too, Ayo. But overall, Elena is undoubtedly the biggest offender. If she will not cease and desist, my advice to Ayo is to play her voice-notes at double speed.

I can understand why Elena feels limited by opportunities for phone calls and wants to share. I think Ayo could make a little more effort to listen, reply and show more interest, while Elena could send fewer lengthy tomes.

Why should Elena conform to Ayo's preferred communication style? She is putting care and thought into telling him how she is and what's happening in her world while they're apart – that's what matters, not the medium. Trying to change people rarely ends well. Ayo should embrace their differences.

I hate trying to access voice notes myself (even though I do actually like sending them!), so in my view Elena is guilty. If  she refuses to stop leaving them, I suggest Ayo speeds them up – it makes the voice sound like a speedy android, but you can just about make out the words and the gist.

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: is Ayo right to give voice to his frustration?

The poll closes on Wednesday 4 November at 9am

Last week's results

We asked whether Tony should stop letting the cat drink on the kitchen counter.

87% of you said yes – Tony is guilty

13% of you said no – Tony is innocent